Monday, August 24, 2015

Five Ways to be a Better Mommy Blogger!!!!!!!

OMG moms. I like totes don't even have time for this but I know how much you all so way count on me for knowing how to live and be mothers and turn your houses into homes so I am sacrificing the crap out of myself to be here for you. And that's why I decided to give you a list of five things you can do to make your mom blog better.

1. Be a mom FIRST, a mommy blogger SECOND, and everything else third.

I know it's so way tempting to not put your kids first and like always want to blog and share your so way cute crafts and stuff but I'm telling you that if you aren't a better mom than everyone else THEN WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO BLOG ABOUT IN THE FIRST PLACE! I always make sure sing to Aloe for three hours every night BEFORE I sit down to blog. I'm not saying that that makes me a better mom than, say, June Snapple. But only because there are like a thousand other things that get me there.

2. Talk as much as you possibly can about your child when she poops in the toilet.

Moms. Srsly. Your friends so way want to know about this stuff so it's so way important to blog about when your baby first poops. Post pictures. Describe the experience. Talk AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE about the potty training.

This one was really hard for me to do with Fortify because she was like way potty trained like 10 seconds after she was birthed in the bathtub at home (because if you love your child you won't give birth in a hospital--NOT JUDGING JUST HELPING!!). But I think the best thing about Casper is that since he's my hard child and all that stuff, I've had a lot of opportunity to write as much as possible about how bad he is at being potty trained which brings me to my next point:

3. Share every possible personal detail about your child and leave nothing out.

Your kids will want to be able to look back and have their friends look back at everything you write about them and see all of the so way funny and embarrassing things they did. It's so way important to write all about the ways they are struggling in school and how many times they wet the bed even though they are probably too old for it. It's important to put this on the Internet for everyone to see.

4. Make the way trendiest clothes and force your kids to pose in them in kitschy places so you can post thousands of pictures on the blog so everyone can see that you are such a way artsy and talented mom.

It's important to do as many of these photo shoots as possible in front of barns and old fences.

5. Write lots of posts about people you don't like and who raise their children badly but be just obscure enough in your references that only some people will know who you're talking about.

Moms, the best way to make sure everyone is raising their children the right way is to point out whenever anyone is doing it the wrong way. That's why I try to talk about bad parenting examples, usually set by June and Grace. But I like so way try not to disclose their identities too often because I don't want people to judge them when they see them. I just want to help.

Anywaysies, that's basically it. Not everyone can be a good mommy blogger but we can all improve and I know that if you try to follow my example you will get so way better at it. Unless you're a poor person! HAHA LOLOLOLOLZZZZ.

You moms are so bad!

Sunday, August 16, 2015


OMGz moms. There is a SO WAY GOOD REASON you haven't heard from me in 2 years.

I got like so way super busy just being a mom and making so way cute crafts and then there was this whole thing with June Snapple basically whoring herself to the whole town because that's the only way she knows how to get her way and alls I was doing was trying to stand up for morals and stuff and the next thing I know they put me in prison for so way unfair reasons because I guess "destruction of property" isn't even legal anymore even when it's for a so way good causes like getting revenge on June Snapple for basically destroying the town by helping Grace Telly win the PTA election.

Anwaysies, prison was so ghetto lame and I couldn't even make friends there because it was basically just full of poor people and they were all so way totes jealous of me the whole time. Plus it was virtually impossible to make so way cute crafts from in there because nobody was classy enough to appreciate them anyway and there's literally no reason to do anything if people around you don't praise you for it.

Then I got out and found that Grace Telly had basically wrecked the town by turning the school into just another prison because she and June Snapple have promoted some new programs to help the poor children and I'm all like "OH I'M SORRY BUT I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA."

Fortunately Fortify has thrived through this adversity. She could probably skip like 5 grades but they decided to keep her in first grade again because she's so way smarter than any of the other kids and they want her to help out in the classroom.

Cider and Opaque are basically starting their own clothing line with the so way cutest trendy clothes and I'm like "OMG DID YOU GET THIS CREATIVITY AND TALENT FROM ME?!?"

Aloe has become really spiritual recently and has been expressing herself by not expressing herself. So she basically like so way never talks which is actually a sign of being a genius NOT TO BRAG OR ANYTHING.

Casper is fine.

Anywaysies, now that I'm back and so way excited to get back to what I love which is being such a super hot mom (OMG JK!!! SORRY NOT SORRY!! LOL!!) who makes so way cute crafts, things should settle way down.

Eventually I'll get back into the PTA and try to save everything. In the meantime Grace Telly will continue to neglect her children while single-handedly keeping all of the fried food joints in town in business LOL!!! YOU MOMS ARE SO NAUGHTY.

But moms. Srsly. Lay off Grace Telly a little. We don't judge.

We just help.