Tuesday, August 20, 2013

BACK TO SCHOOL!?!?!

Hey moms. Look, I know. I've been totes absent this summer. You have NO idea how BUSY I have been. First of all, Fortify and Aloe were in a swimming group this summer--actually, I should say they were LEADING a swimming group this summer--and I was so busy rushing around to all of their performances and award ceremonies that I just didn't have time to sit down and blog.

On top of that, my girls were in the parade circuit all summer, riding floats in different towns' festivities and wearing their tiaras. SO WAY CUTE! Unfortunately the parades allowed other children to be a part of the floats too, which obnoxiously detracted from Fortify's naturally inherited charisma.

The terrible news this summer (terrible for the whole town) is that I won't be the PTA president this year. It's such a so way long story what happened and I don't even want to get into because it's all politics and people being so way gross and stupid and I don't want to paint people like June Snapple in a bad light by harping on how she'll practically throw herself at any man in town until her "war hero" husband comes home and hogs all of the attention in the town for THREE FULL WEEKS while he's in the hospital. Suffice it to say there were so many people who were SO WAY JEALOUS of me and my kids and even though everyone knew I was the right mom for the job, I didn't like to see the town so divided so right after the election results were announced, I retroactively withdrew my candidacy. It was SUCH a big scandal in the town.

And the real tragedy is that Grace Telly-Tubby (HAHAHAHA!!! LOL!!! YOU MOMS ARE SO WICKED!) is now going to be the PTA president.

Just great. Now the schools can be filled with not only POOR PEOPLE but also illiterate hogs who are too busy getting unnecessary medical treatments to keep their kids from leaving toys in the front yard and making the neighborhood look like an animal shelter. And if Grace Telly complains that her "cancer" has come back again this year and is interfering with her PTA president duties, I'm going to drive down the street screaming "I told you so" through a loud speaker just like I did during the campaign season.

Fortunately none of this is interfering at all with our back to school shopping! I make sure to buy the most expensive and trendy clothes every year so my kids can be the hottest in the class. It's also important for other moms to see how much money we have and for them to notice how I obviously so way care about my kids because I spend money on them to help them look so way trendy EVERY YEAR.

Monday, June 3, 2013

MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED. AGAIN!!!!

Hey mommy bloggers! I can't even believe how totes busy I've been campaigning for PTA president! UGH! I feel like all I ever do in life is campaign and give my children all the attention that they need that most other parents don't give to their own children! I literally can't go anywhere without running into my constituents!

AH!!! THE LIFE OF A POLITICIAN!

But you all know how so way important it is that I sacrifice and bring my talents to the school. June Snapple destroyed this town for so many years. All the time she wasted creating programs for the slower children while my gifted kids were TOTALLY neglected.

It's a good thing Fortify is such a self-starter or who knows how June Snapple could have destroyed her potential!

Now I feel like I'm engaged in a battle of good verses stupid in trying to keep Grace Telly from becoming the next PTA president. I seriously don't even think Grace Telly could SPELL "PTA!" I mean, she could EAT the PTA, but not spell it! HAHAHAHA!!! OMG MOMS!!! YOU GIRLS ARE SO TERRIBLE! THAT IS NOT FUNNY AT ALL!!

True, but not funny.

Moms, we have to do a better job at sticking together. Even if it means defending illiterate hogs like Grace Telly or self-righteous whores like June Snapple! WE DON'T JUDGE. WE JUST HELP! There are badly behaved neglected but otherwise unimpressive and innocent children to consider here! And we need to try to help those children because imagine if they have a bad influence on gifted kids like Fortify and Aloe and Opaque and Cider!?

I CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT!

Anywaysies. The whole reason I'm blogging today is to tell you that Fortify was voted "Most Likely to Succeed" in the end of the school year awards. AGAIN! (IMHO she should have been voted the "Only Likely to Succeed" but I think it's good to give the other children hope. Even the ones who got lice this year).

I SO didn't want to tell you about this because I hate how much attention we get all the time and we don't do all that we do for the awards. The awards just happen because of who we are. AND I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT YOU TO ATTRIBUTE THIS SUCCESS TO MY GOOD PARENTING! Let's please just let this be about Fortify and not about me. Ok, maybe it can be a little about me!!!! HAHAHA! ROFL!! JK OF COURSE!

TTYL8R!!!!

Friday, April 5, 2013

MISS ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

OMG moms!!!! I totes can't believe I haven't blogged in weeks!!! I mean, if you knew how busy I was, you would understand. But I still can't help but feel so much guilt since you all rely on hearing about my children and their accomplishments in order to feel happiness. PLUS WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITHOUT MY PARENTING ADVICE AND SO WAY GOOD EXAMPLE?!?!?!?!?

Anywaysies, I don't even remember who won the craft competition now. It was probs me! But I want to tell you all congratsies on participating. They tell the kids this that Fortify and Aloe compete against in their pageants and I'm always rolling my eyes but then I have to remind myself, "NO! It's so way good that these kids are competing! OTHERWISE, WHO WOULD YOUR GIRLS BEAT?!?"

So part of the reason I've been so way busy over the past month is because CAN YOU BELIEVE IT it's already time for PTA president elections.

WHAT!?

It's so way hard to be a leader in the town all the time and someone that everyone looks up to because I am ALWAYS in campaign mode. And the thing is, I don't even think I should have to run! I'm obviously the perfect choice for the PTA. I did such amazing things this year even though I had to have June Snapple as my co-president. Can you imagine if I didn't have that dead weight!?!? I'm SURE I would have been able to restructure the school boundaries to get the poor neighborhoods out of my babies' classrooms.

Anywaysies, so the so way good news this year is that June Snapple FINALLY is not running. (Can anyone say "quiting whore"?!?! HAHAHAHA LOL JK OF COURSE!!!).

Snapple said that she has so many responsibilities at home and her one kid is STILL getting all this attention for being incredibly "sick" with some blood disease (that I'm still not totally sure wasn't caused by neglectful parenting). Plus she's always complaining about how her husband is in another country fighting something or other. (ANYBODY ORDER AN ATTENTION HOG?!?!).

I'm sure the real reason is she has to go deal with her chlamydia, which I'm SURE she probably has. I'm not going to blog about my thoughts on that though because I don't want you to think I'm judging her. MOMS! We have to stick together! How many times have I told you this!!!! I really think you all need to try to follow my example more and not judge. Just help.

Well, as you can imagine, June Snapple stepping out of the way has opened up a truly terrifying possibility. And Grace Telly announced her candidacy last week, in a big way (everything Grace does BIG, if you know what I mean . . .). HUGE banner up in front of the school. And surprise surprise, Junes Snapple is supporting her in this. HA. I'm sure June Snapple made the banner because I'm not convinced that Grace Telly is even literate!

So now I have to go from being all experienced running against someone who basically probably slept her way to the top to competing against someone who basically probably eats her way to the top. LOL!!! CAN I EVEN SAY THAT ON BLOGGER!!!?!?! It's ok because you moms all know that I'm just joking.

So if any of you have any good campaign ideas, let me have them!

In the meantime, my girls are all doing remarkably well. Fortify continues to shine. Aloe follows in her footsteps. Cider and Opaque are turning into incredible artists. Casper is also here.

BYE!!!!

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Valentine Craft COMPETITION!!!!

OMG moms! This so way cute craft competition is super tight. But even though it's so way fun, I hope you all remember that it is so way important. Because a lot of moms don't come from talented hard-working families so they don't have a lot of money to spend on crafts. That's why I do these craft competitions. So you all can practice making so way cute stuff that you can actually afford.

Take a look at the entries below and be sure to vote on the top right side of this page! Voting will stay open until the end of Wednesday.


Catherine: Simple, yet complex.
Amy: Being a working mother is a very difficult task, and sadly neither of us could take the time to make a chocolate sculpture of our children, so we combined forces and opted to go for something simple (but still heartfelt!) instead. Some people have looked at this valentine we made for our children and have thought it's dreadfully disgraceful, but I look at those generic 'Hello Kitty' and 'Shrek' valentines they send and can't help but be absolutely appalled they would criticize our incredible work of art! Our valentine was specifically designed to help boost our children's self-esteem! What better way could one phrase their love for their child than by declaring "I hate you" in a handmade card?  We gave this to all our children yesterday (though dear Timmy is still a tad bit too young to read, he'll appreciate the message in his future!), and after they were done crying (tears of joy! Mother's job well done!), ran straight up to their rooms to show all of their friends over the skype! Hope it makes it to the SO WAY CUTE craft hall of fame!
 
Stephanie: I found this actual picture of June Snapple. Scandalous!! Omg!!
Flo: The First Eye. The Queen of Colors. And a cat.
Kenneth & Shawntelle: It represents the compassionate side of love. We used candy canes to make the heart and arrow (that are distinctly separate), as well as crushed up candy canes for the "love dust" sprinkled throughout. The lettering was created out of spicy hot siracha sauce, to represent burning love.
Sami: I kept my valentine simple but effective.  I used spicy hummus, as I am all about eating right, being fit, and looking good! Someone in this family has to keep up appearances, amiright??  Since I'm all about green living, I reused a couple birthday "cards" the kids made for me. Don't worry, I used the sub-par ones to help encourage the kids to do better, laziness and lack of skill is no excuse for the mess the 3 and 4 year old gave me on my super special all about ME day!  If they do not face disappointment and failure, how will the young ones learn? It's not the I don't love them as much as their older sister, I just do not want to admit they are related to me with that display of "artwork."  Anyway, I think this valentine conveys the true meaning of this holiday (appreciating me) while reminding all the moms out there that motherhood is no excuse to let completely give up and let yourselves go the way 98% of you have (ahem Snapple *cough*)!!  Thanks a ton, have a super awesome Valentine's Day and thanks for the chance to win, i mean participate, in this way cute super fun craft!!!
Jill: Needs no explanation.
Melissa: This valentine totally says "by the way, you're welcome" to my man. The symbolism is in the hot red pepper flake/marshmallow combo. And the staples symbolize the unity of our love.
McKayla: This is my "totes amazing" Valentine's Day card. It features extensive use of the leftover Mac and Cheese we have after my kids went on strike and refused to eat it for lunch for the 16th time in a row.
Kristin: Actually made by a five year old so don't trash him too bad.
Andie: When in doubt, use drugs.



Tuesday, February 12, 2013

VALENTINE CRAFT!!!

What up home girls! Hahaha. I just sounded like a poor person!!!

Anywaysies, this month has been nothing but go go go at our house. Pageant season has started again for Fortify and this year Aloe is finally ready to get started too. I'VE GOT TWO OF MY BABIES IN PAGEANTS AT THE SAME TIME! I seriously don't know HOW I do it!!!

Sometimes I try to think if it's really fair that my kids take home so many awards all the time. There's not a lot of opportunity for other kids. Then I'm all like, WHATEVER!!!! My children shouldn't be punished for being skinnier and hotter and trendier than the other kids!

Worst news ever though. June Snapple was asked to be a citizen judge in next month's Molly March Pageant. Can you say irony?!?! June Snapple in a beauty pageant? What will they think of next? Grace Telly on Jeopardy?! The real tragedy about this, though, is that that means there will be another evening where June Snapple's adopted children won't get the attention they need. I would tell you also how much I disapprove of June's promiscuity in the town, which I know about because of a rumor I started, but you know me. I don't judge. I just help.

And this week I'm going to help all my mommies with hot bodies (YOU GUYS!!!) make so SO way cute Valentine crafts! I'm sending Fortify to school with a small chocolate sculpture of Fortify wearing a tiara for each kid in her class. I'm so embarrassed about the attention we get from her Valentine gifts but they are always the best in the class every single year. UGH! Enough attention on us already!!!

This craft is for the working mommies who don't have enough time to give their children the attention they deserve. I feel so totes bad for you mommies so I'm trying to help now. So here it is!




My decorative craft celebrates LOVE in a so way cute style.  The key here moms is subtlety, which is a key June Snapple couldn't find hanging right off her huge nose.   This craft underscores how LUCKY my valentine is to have ME, without just saying it directly.  You want to remind your valentine that if it weren't for YOU they'd probably be with some whore from the poor part of town.
Alls you do is get some way cute craft paper, tape, and your favorite Luv snack.  Grace Tellie's craft would probably be made out of potato chips and Crisco!!! ;/p


You know the drill! The new so way cute craft competition is under way!!! Make your own so way cute Valentine craft using items around the house and send it to me at itjustgetsstranger@gmail.com by the end of Friday. Next week I'll post the best so way cute crafts for a new vote and induction into the SO WAY CUTE craft hall of fame!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

TUTORING!!!!

Hi moms!!!!

OMG, you won't believe all of the amazing things Fortify has been up to lately. So we went to the library the other day and OF COURSE she ran right off to the adult section and read like every book that the library had.

Fortify has been able to read since she was 6 months old. Her teachers at school told me they don't even know how to challenge her because she finishes all of her assignments so fast.

Meanwhile, Casper just wandered around the play area in the library, chewing on his shirt. Sometimes I'm all "where did you come from Casper!!?!?!" Because there's like no way that he's mine. Fortify? Totally mine. She's so smart and analytical and caring and all these great things. But Casper?!?! What he has to offer is in such different areas that are so much harder for me to understand. BUT I LOVE ALL OF MY CHILDREN EXACTLY THE SAME!!! I value Fortify and her incredible musical talents and ability to charm everyone she meets and absolute perfection just as much as Casper's wild spirit and limitations. They are the same in my eyes. And that makes me a good mom.

Speaking of being a good mom, I am starting a program through the PTA right now to have all of the moms from hard-working wealthy families have one-on-one parent-training time with the moms from the poor families.

Moms, I am TOTES changing my community.

Cause I was thinking about how hard it's been to get any traction on re-drawing the boundaries to get the poor neighborhoods out of our school. June Snapple has been opposing me on every front and it's SO frustrating. Sometimes I just want to say, "Hey June, maybe if you spent this much energy on exercising, your husband would come home from fighting in that war." But you know me, I don't judge. I just help.

So I figure that the next best thing to getting the poor out of our school is to get the poor out of the poor.

I know you're probably all like, "Oh MY GOSH!!! You ARE SO Selfless and SUCH A GOOD MOM!!!" But I have to be so totes honest with you. I'm not really doing it to help them. I mean, the bad parents got themselves into this situation. So I'm just doing it because Fortify has to go to school with these kids. So if I can at least do damage control on the bad habits these kids are learning at home, it will decrease the chances of my babies getting lice and using words like "brang."

Of course both June Snapple and Grace Telly think this is a terrible idea. I'm SURE it's because they didn't think of it first.

Oh well. Everyone has to deal with a few June Snapples and Grace Tellys in life. Because people like that get all over the town, if you know what I mean.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

June Snapple Returns :(

Mommies!

So good to talk to you again!!! I like to imagine when I'm typing this that we're having a fun chat together. One where I'm doing all the talking, of course!!!

Anywaysies, June Snapple got back into town last week so I'm sure the rate of STD spreading in town shot back through the roof. I never thought I would say this, but it was kind of a relief to have her back. Grace Telly was filling in for her while she was gone.

GRACE TELLY. The woman who once drank an entire bottle of Windex because she thought it was blue Gatorade.

As you can imagine, going to PTA presidency meetings with Grace Telly was a lot like visiting an animal shelter. DID I JUST SAY THAT?!?!? :-P

In Grace's defense, how do you even fill in for someone who gets around as much as June Snapple probably does? Especially when you're no looker, like Grace. I would go on and tell you about how the qualities I just described are nowhere near as shocking as June and Grace's terrible parenting skills, but you know me. I don't judge. I just help.

So since June Snapple made it back into town, I can spend a little more time with my babies, which they desperately need. My time away from them on PTA duties was completely temporary. Any mom who doesn't spend at least 12 hours of direct one-on-one contact with her children every day should be arrested in my opinion.

Fortify has started on a new project that she came up with ALL BY HERSELF to make a beautiful collage of pictures and statements about . . . ME. I am SO embarrassed that she would do this! And I tried to get her to make it about someone else but she just kept saying, "show me a better mother than you!"

Moms, I have to say that the most rewarding part about being a good mother is the incredible relationship I get to have with my babies. I feel so sorry for you if you have a bad relationship with your children because it means you haven't put forth the effort to be an incredible parent, like I have.  That's why I'm still working on that book about how to be a better mom! You will THANK me later.

I only wish I had enough time to come to each of your houses and teach you one-on-one.