Monday, August 20, 2018

Aloe is like a rising star

I have like so way many things to tell you like where does the time even go?! (It's probly getting stolen by poor people lolzzzzz).

Lately our whole lives have been pretty much about Aloe's pageant schedule. She is like so way cuter than all of the other ugos but there aren't really any other competitions she can compete in cause Sally Miss is the only 1 for her age group. This is the same pageant Fortify used to win before she hung up her crown and took up poetry.

Anywayzies, the only problem I've been having with Aloe is that she keeps gaining weight so I feel like I'm always like "put down the juice box tubbo!" and it's like so way unfair to me because I'm not naturally the kind of person who like says mean things and is critical of others but I'm a single mom so I have to be bad cop and if I don't like put up boundaries for Aloe she's going to look like Grace Telly's kids before she even gets to the first grade.

Soooooo we started her on this like new diet where she only eats kale and takes a vitamin and that's been pretty helpful but it's hard to make her stick to it cause there are like so many poor people at her school who are trying to sabotage her by giving her snacks that I'm not even lying have like sodium and calories and preservatives. And I'm all like, "oh I'm sorry your moms don't love you enough to make all natural meals for you every day but maybe let's not let bad parenting hurt my kid too."

And obvsies you guys like know that when I say stuff like that I'm not even judging, just helping. But I don't have to tell you that cause you get it.

I wish you guys lived in my town so you could join the PTA. June Snapple ran for PTA president even though she basically ruined the whole school during her last reign of terror so now I have to deal with another year of her like so way not cute BS and slutsmobile outfits.

June Snapple appointed Donna freaking Rable as her VP. Donna. Freaking. Rable.

The cutest thing about Donna Rable is her name (so not cute).

Donna Rable has like 96 children and most of them are homeschooled by Donna Rable which means its impossible for any of them to have advanced beyond first grade.

I am like basically praying right now that Donna Rable gets hit by 100 buses (she's so dumb that it would take 100 before she figured out how to die LOLZ YOU MOMS ARE SO BAD). I would even take Grace Telly again, but Grace Telly keeps complaining that her stupid cancer is back and how she like doesn't think she needs to be a good mom unless she's healthy.

I'm sorry Grace Telly but where I come from if you don't know how to keep yourself healthy maybe you shouldn't have kids.

Anywayzies, I better go. Casper has been fixing the roof and I need to check his progress cause he like so way doesn't do a very good job at most things.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Five Ways to be a Better Mommy Blogger!!!!!!!

OMG moms. I like totes don't even have time for this but I know how much you all so way count on me for knowing how to live and be mothers and turn your houses into homes so I am sacrificing the crap out of myself to be here for you. And that's why I decided to give you a list of five things you can do to make your mom blog better.

1. Be a mom FIRST, a mommy blogger SECOND, and everything else third.

I know it's so way tempting to not put your kids first and like always want to blog and share your so way cute crafts and stuff but I'm telling you that if you aren't a better mom than everyone else THEN WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO BLOG ABOUT IN THE FIRST PLACE! I always make sure sing to Aloe for three hours every night BEFORE I sit down to blog. I'm not saying that that makes me a better mom than, say, June Snapple. But only because there are like a thousand other things that get me there.

2. Talk as much as you possibly can about your child when she poops in the toilet.

Moms. Srsly. Your friends so way want to know about this stuff so it's so way important to blog about when your baby first poops. Post pictures. Describe the experience. Talk AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE about the potty training.

This one was really hard for me to do with Fortify because she was like way potty trained like 10 seconds after she was birthed in the bathtub at home (because if you love your child you won't give birth in a hospital--NOT JUDGING JUST HELPING!!). But I think the best thing about Casper is that since he's my hard child and all that stuff, I've had a lot of opportunity to write as much as possible about how bad he is at being potty trained which brings me to my next point:

3. Share every possible personal detail about your child and leave nothing out.

Your kids will want to be able to look back and have their friends look back at everything you write about them and see all of the so way funny and embarrassing things they did. It's so way important to write all about the ways they are struggling in school and how many times they wet the bed even though they are probably too old for it. It's important to put this on the Internet for everyone to see.

4. Make the way trendiest clothes and force your kids to pose in them in kitschy places so you can post thousands of pictures on the blog so everyone can see that you are such a way artsy and talented mom.

It's important to do as many of these photo shoots as possible in front of barns and old fences.

5. Write lots of posts about people you don't like and who raise their children badly but be just obscure enough in your references that only some people will know who you're talking about.

Moms, the best way to make sure everyone is raising their children the right way is to point out whenever anyone is doing it the wrong way. That's why I try to talk about bad parenting examples, usually set by June and Grace. But I like so way try not to disclose their identities too often because I don't want people to judge them when they see them. I just want to help.

Anywaysies, that's basically it. Not everyone can be a good mommy blogger but we can all improve and I know that if you try to follow my example you will get so way better at it. Unless you're a poor person! HAHA LOLOLOLOLZZZZ.

You moms are so bad!

Sunday, August 16, 2015


OMGz moms. There is a SO WAY GOOD REASON you haven't heard from me in 2 years.

I got like so way super busy just being a mom and making so way cute crafts and then there was this whole thing with June Snapple basically whoring herself to the whole town because that's the only way she knows how to get her way and alls I was doing was trying to stand up for morals and stuff and the next thing I know they put me in prison for so way unfair reasons because I guess "destruction of property" isn't even legal anymore even when it's for a so way good causes like getting revenge on June Snapple for basically destroying the town by helping Grace Telly win the PTA election.

Anwaysies, prison was so ghetto lame and I couldn't even make friends there because it was basically just full of poor people and they were all so way totes jealous of me the whole time. Plus it was virtually impossible to make so way cute crafts from in there because nobody was classy enough to appreciate them anyway and there's literally no reason to do anything if people around you don't praise you for it.

Then I got out and found that Grace Telly had basically wrecked the town by turning the school into just another prison because she and June Snapple have promoted some new programs to help the poor children and I'm all like "OH I'M SORRY BUT I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA."

Fortunately Fortify has thrived through this adversity. She could probably skip like 5 grades but they decided to keep her in first grade again because she's so way smarter than any of the other kids and they want her to help out in the classroom.

Cider and Opaque are basically starting their own clothing line with the so way cutest trendy clothes and I'm like "OMG DID YOU GET THIS CREATIVITY AND TALENT FROM ME?!?"

Aloe has become really spiritual recently and has been expressing herself by not expressing herself. So she basically like so way never talks which is actually a sign of being a genius NOT TO BRAG OR ANYTHING.

Casper is fine.

Anywaysies, now that I'm back and so way excited to get back to what I love which is being such a super hot mom (OMG JK!!! SORRY NOT SORRY!! LOL!!) who makes so way cute crafts, things should settle way down.

Eventually I'll get back into the PTA and try to save everything. In the meantime Grace Telly will continue to neglect her children while single-handedly keeping all of the fried food joints in town in business LOL!!! YOU MOMS ARE SO NAUGHTY.

But moms. Srsly. Lay off Grace Telly a little. We don't judge.

We just help.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013


Hey moms. Look, I know. I've been totes absent this summer. You have NO idea how BUSY I have been. First of all, Fortify and Aloe were in a swimming group this summer--actually, I should say they were LEADING a swimming group this summer--and I was so busy rushing around to all of their performances and award ceremonies that I just didn't have time to sit down and blog.

On top of that, my girls were in the parade circuit all summer, riding floats in different towns' festivities and wearing their tiaras. SO WAY CUTE! Unfortunately the parades allowed other children to be a part of the floats too, which obnoxiously detracted from Fortify's naturally inherited charisma.

The terrible news this summer (terrible for the whole town) is that I won't be the PTA president this year. It's such a so way long story what happened and I don't even want to get into because it's all politics and people being so way gross and stupid and I don't want to paint people like June Snapple in a bad light by harping on how she'll practically throw herself at any man in town until her "war hero" husband comes home and hogs all of the attention in the town for THREE FULL WEEKS while he's in the hospital. Suffice it to say there were so many people who were SO WAY JEALOUS of me and my kids and even though everyone knew I was the right mom for the job, I didn't like to see the town so divided so right after the election results were announced, I retroactively withdrew my candidacy. It was SUCH a big scandal in the town.

And the real tragedy is that Grace Telly-Tubby (HAHAHAHA!!! LOL!!! YOU MOMS ARE SO WICKED!) is now going to be the PTA president.

Just great. Now the schools can be filled with not only POOR PEOPLE but also illiterate hogs who are too busy getting unnecessary medical treatments to keep their kids from leaving toys in the front yard and making the neighborhood look like an animal shelter. And if Grace Telly complains that her "cancer" has come back again this year and is interfering with her PTA president duties, I'm going to drive down the street screaming "I told you so" through a loud speaker just like I did during the campaign season.

Fortunately none of this is interfering at all with our back to school shopping! I make sure to buy the most expensive and trendy clothes every year so my kids can be the hottest in the class. It's also important for other moms to see how much money we have and for them to notice how I obviously so way care about my kids because I spend money on them to help them look so way trendy EVERY YEAR.

Monday, June 3, 2013


Hey mommy bloggers! I can't even believe how totes busy I've been campaigning for PTA president! UGH! I feel like all I ever do in life is campaign and give my children all the attention that they need that most other parents don't give to their own children! I literally can't go anywhere without running into my constituents!


But you all know how so way important it is that I sacrifice and bring my talents to the school. June Snapple destroyed this town for so many years. All the time she wasted creating programs for the slower children while my gifted kids were TOTALLY neglected.

It's a good thing Fortify is such a self-starter or who knows how June Snapple could have destroyed her potential!

Now I feel like I'm engaged in a battle of good verses stupid in trying to keep Grace Telly from becoming the next PTA president. I seriously don't even think Grace Telly could SPELL "PTA!" I mean, she could EAT the PTA, but not spell it! HAHAHAHA!!! OMG MOMS!!! YOU GIRLS ARE SO TERRIBLE! THAT IS NOT FUNNY AT ALL!!

True, but not funny.

Moms, we have to do a better job at sticking together. Even if it means defending illiterate hogs like Grace Telly or self-righteous whores like June Snapple! WE DON'T JUDGE. WE JUST HELP! There are badly behaved neglected but otherwise unimpressive and innocent children to consider here! And we need to try to help those children because imagine if they have a bad influence on gifted kids like Fortify and Aloe and Opaque and Cider!?


Anywaysies. The whole reason I'm blogging today is to tell you that Fortify was voted "Most Likely to Succeed" in the end of the school year awards. AGAIN! (IMHO she should have been voted the "Only Likely to Succeed" but I think it's good to give the other children hope. Even the ones who got lice this year).

I SO didn't want to tell you about this because I hate how much attention we get all the time and we don't do all that we do for the awards. The awards just happen because of who we are. AND I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT YOU TO ATTRIBUTE THIS SUCCESS TO MY GOOD PARENTING! Let's please just let this be about Fortify and not about me. Ok, maybe it can be a little about me!!!! HAHAHA! ROFL!! JK OF COURSE!


Friday, April 5, 2013

MISS ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

OMG moms!!!! I totes can't believe I haven't blogged in weeks!!! I mean, if you knew how busy I was, you would understand. But I still can't help but feel so much guilt since you all rely on hearing about my children and their accomplishments in order to feel happiness. PLUS WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITHOUT MY PARENTING ADVICE AND SO WAY GOOD EXAMPLE?!?!?!?!?

Anywaysies, I don't even remember who won the craft competition now. It was probs me! But I want to tell you all congratsies on participating. They tell the kids this that Fortify and Aloe compete against in their pageants and I'm always rolling my eyes but then I have to remind myself, "NO! It's so way good that these kids are competing! OTHERWISE, WHO WOULD YOUR GIRLS BEAT?!?"

So part of the reason I've been so way busy over the past month is because CAN YOU BELIEVE IT it's already time for PTA president elections.


It's so way hard to be a leader in the town all the time and someone that everyone looks up to because I am ALWAYS in campaign mode. And the thing is, I don't even think I should have to run! I'm obviously the perfect choice for the PTA. I did such amazing things this year even though I had to have June Snapple as my co-president. Can you imagine if I didn't have that dead weight!?!? I'm SURE I would have been able to restructure the school boundaries to get the poor neighborhoods out of my babies' classrooms.

Anywaysies, so the so way good news this year is that June Snapple FINALLY is not running. (Can anyone say "quiting whore"?!?! HAHAHAHA LOL JK OF COURSE!!!).

Snapple said that she has so many responsibilities at home and her one kid is STILL getting all this attention for being incredibly "sick" with some blood disease (that I'm still not totally sure wasn't caused by neglectful parenting). Plus she's always complaining about how her husband is in another country fighting something or other. (ANYBODY ORDER AN ATTENTION HOG?!?!).

I'm sure the real reason is she has to go deal with her chlamydia, which I'm SURE she probably has. I'm not going to blog about my thoughts on that though because I don't want you to think I'm judging her. MOMS! We have to stick together! How many times have I told you this!!!! I really think you all need to try to follow my example more and not judge. Just help.

Well, as you can imagine, June Snapple stepping out of the way has opened up a truly terrifying possibility. And Grace Telly announced her candidacy last week, in a big way (everything Grace does BIG, if you know what I mean . . .). HUGE banner up in front of the school. And surprise surprise, Junes Snapple is supporting her in this. HA. I'm sure June Snapple made the banner because I'm not convinced that Grace Telly is even literate!

So now I have to go from being all experienced running against someone who basically probably slept her way to the top to competing against someone who basically probably eats her way to the top. LOL!!! CAN I EVEN SAY THAT ON BLOGGER!!!?!?! It's ok because you moms all know that I'm just joking.

So if any of you have any good campaign ideas, let me have them!

In the meantime, my girls are all doing remarkably well. Fortify continues to shine. Aloe follows in her footsteps. Cider and Opaque are turning into incredible artists. Casper is also here.


Sunday, February 17, 2013

Valentine Craft COMPETITION!!!!

OMG moms! This so way cute craft competition is super tight. But even though it's so way fun, I hope you all remember that it is so way important. Because a lot of moms don't come from talented hard-working families so they don't have a lot of money to spend on crafts. That's why I do these craft competitions. So you all can practice making so way cute stuff that you can actually afford.

Take a look at the entries below and be sure to vote on the top right side of this page! Voting will stay open until the end of Wednesday.

Catherine: Simple, yet complex.
Amy: Being a working mother is a very difficult task, and sadly neither of us could take the time to make a chocolate sculpture of our children, so we combined forces and opted to go for something simple (but still heartfelt!) instead. Some people have looked at this valentine we made for our children and have thought it's dreadfully disgraceful, but I look at those generic 'Hello Kitty' and 'Shrek' valentines they send and can't help but be absolutely appalled they would criticize our incredible work of art! Our valentine was specifically designed to help boost our children's self-esteem! What better way could one phrase their love for their child than by declaring "I hate you" in a handmade card?  We gave this to all our children yesterday (though dear Timmy is still a tad bit too young to read, he'll appreciate the message in his future!), and after they were done crying (tears of joy! Mother's job well done!), ran straight up to their rooms to show all of their friends over the skype! Hope it makes it to the SO WAY CUTE craft hall of fame!
Stephanie: I found this actual picture of June Snapple. Scandalous!! Omg!!
Flo: The First Eye. The Queen of Colors. And a cat.
Kenneth & Shawntelle: It represents the compassionate side of love. We used candy canes to make the heart and arrow (that are distinctly separate), as well as crushed up candy canes for the "love dust" sprinkled throughout. The lettering was created out of spicy hot siracha sauce, to represent burning love.
Sami: I kept my valentine simple but effective.  I used spicy hummus, as I am all about eating right, being fit, and looking good! Someone in this family has to keep up appearances, amiright??  Since I'm all about green living, I reused a couple birthday "cards" the kids made for me. Don't worry, I used the sub-par ones to help encourage the kids to do better, laziness and lack of skill is no excuse for the mess the 3 and 4 year old gave me on my super special all about ME day!  If they do not face disappointment and failure, how will the young ones learn? It's not the I don't love them as much as their older sister, I just do not want to admit they are related to me with that display of "artwork."  Anyway, I think this valentine conveys the true meaning of this holiday (appreciating me) while reminding all the moms out there that motherhood is no excuse to let completely give up and let yourselves go the way 98% of you have (ahem Snapple *cough*)!!  Thanks a ton, have a super awesome Valentine's Day and thanks for the chance to win, i mean participate, in this way cute super fun craft!!!
Jill: Needs no explanation.
Melissa: This valentine totally says "by the way, you're welcome" to my man. The symbolism is in the hot red pepper flake/marshmallow combo. And the staples symbolize the unity of our love.
McKayla: This is my "totes amazing" Valentine's Day card. It features extensive use of the leftover Mac and Cheese we have after my kids went on strike and refused to eat it for lunch for the 16th time in a row.
Kristin: Actually made by a five year old so don't trash him too bad.
Andie: When in doubt, use drugs.