Wednesday, June 27, 2012


Mommies, we're in the final days! And I'm going to win this PTA election! But before I start talking about myself (SOMETHING I HATE DOING!) let me remind everyone to congratulate Melissa on winning the so way cute anti-June Snapple poster competition. Melissa is now a TWO-TIME so way cute craft competition winner! And this time, it was TOTES deserved! Her poster really captured the feelings of everyone in this town. But she had some stiff competition this time. Each of our participants explained EXACTLY why Snapple ought to be run out of the state!

Fortify is busily turning Melissa's poster into an even greater masterpiece and we'll spend the afternoon hanging them up around town. Again, I know that I don't really need to be campaigning right now--I mean WHO ON EARTH IS GOING TO VOTE FOR JUNE SNAPPLE???? But I don't want my babies to misconstrue my actions as giving up. Otherwise I MIGHT AS WELL LET THEM BE CO-RAISED BY GRACE TELLY AND JUNE SNAPPLE! I would make a big deal out of the fact that both of them have accepted meals from the neighbors instead of cooking on their own due to "tragedies and illness in the family," even though I consistently cook no matter how many pageants Fortify is involved in. But I don't want to rag on them for that because you know me. I don't judge. I just help.

Anywaysies, the PTA election is on FRIDAY!!! This is expected to be the BIGGEST election turnout in our PTA's history. People seem really really upset this year and I've heard a lot of people talk about how they are going to head to the booth to send a loud message to one of the candidates that certain behavior is not acceptable in our town. Of course we all know they are probably talking about how June Snapple hasn't done a darn thing to try to get the poor neighborhoods cut out of our school boundaries. Seriously. I don't even want to think about what kinds of things Fortify is learning from some of those kids. I would home school them. If my time wasn't so valuable.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Anti-June Snapple Poster VOTE!!!

Hey mommies! So we got some great entries for the Anti-June Snapple so way cute craft competition! We're down to just one week now! Can you believe it?!?!?!?!?!?!

Anywaysies, vote on the top right for the cutest poster and I'll use that in the final week to finally get rid of Snapple once and for all. (So she can go be a homewrecker in some other town! Oops! Did I just say that?!?!?!?! ;-P). Voting closes on Monday at midnight!!!!!

Today is Fortify's 5th birthday. We don't have time to celebrate this week because this PTA campaign is more important. But we'll have something to make up for it. I just bought the so way cutest new outfit and I want to wear it to her birthday party so we will FOR SURE do something!





Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Campaign Posters!!!

Moms, it's a great day to be alive!!!!!! WHY??!! Because Junes Snapple IS AT THE END OF HER ROPE!!! Yes mams! With just over one week to go before the election takes place, the whole town can just feel the horror of June Snapple's PTA presidency finally slipping away.

Make room for the mother load!!! Because here I come!

I feel at this point like it's sort of a waste of time to keep campaigning. There is NO WAY anyone is going to vote for that used-to-be-a-raging-alcoholic (you didn't hear it from me!!!). This week Snapple has Grace Telly wandering the neighborhoods dropping fliers on the front porches. GRACE TELLY!!! I'm surprised Grace Telly is intelligent enough to walk--I can't believe Snapple is desperate enough to give her an assignment.

Meanwhile, both Snapple and Telly are neglecting their children, AGAIN!!! It is absolutely NO WONDER that their kids hardly speak English. I would say that their moms are totally incompetent, but you know me. I don't judge other moms who let their children sleep until 7:00 AM!!!!!! I just help.


I thought that since we're at the end of such a fun campaign season, why not turn it into a SO WAY CUTE craft competition!?!?!?!

So this week's craft is a little different. It's not something that you'll probably hang in your house for too long, but it's so way important!!! This is JUST like during World War II when everything needed to go toward the war effort. This week's craft:

Anti-June Snapple Campaign Posters!!!

This one was made by Casper. SO glad he's attempting to help his mom. No this isn't as good as anything Fortify could make, but I don't like to compare my children with each other.

Alls I need you mommies to do is design a good anti-June poster on a piece of paper and email me a picture of it to You all have until Thursday at midnight to send in your entry! We'll have another vote to choose the best one and then I'll let Fortify and Aloe turn it into an actual poster to hang up in town two days before the PTA election. AND OF COURSE THE WINNER WILL GET A COVETED SPOT ON THE SO WAY CUTE CRAFT WINNERS TAB!!!!

I know that this is so way fun, but let's not forget how important this all is. I never thought I would get into politics--you all know I certainly DON'T HAVE TIME FOR IT with everything my girls are involved in! But I have just seen society decay so much. I HATE power, and I absolutely don't want it. But I know that if I don't take the presidency, things are only going to get worse.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Members of the PTA

Hey moms! It's me again!

We are now just 2 weeks away from the BIG election! June Snapple has been going around the PTA telling all the other moms that she plans to make this next year more about "collaboration" and making sure that all moms' voices are heard. WTF?!?!?! Has she SEEN this group??? Let me explain to you why there are some moms who should NOT be heard:

Grace Telly: Will probably take on assignments without giving a second thought about whether she's going to be able to complete them while her brats run wild through the neighborhood, trespassing on my property for their "paper route." Not to mention, Grace has been moaning about her cancer now for like 5 months. YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH TIME WE'VE WASTED IN MEETINGS TALKING ABOUT THAT WOMAN'S CANCER!

Myra Fitzgibbons: Ironic that the word "fit" is part of her last name, if you know what I mean.

Janice Brigson: Wouldn't know a good parenting technique if one bit her. And you can tell this is true by looking at her children.

Donna Rable: Blah blah blah blah blah! Always complaining about how hard it's been since her husband died pulling people out of a house fire (probably did it on purpose so he wouldn't have to listen to Donna go on about her charity organization she created anymore).

Etc. Etc. Etc.

I would go on, but you know me---I don't judge other moms who insist on putting their kid in the SAME music class as Fortify, only to then destroy all group performances with their total lack of talent. I just help.


Ugh. I wish you were all in the PTA so you could vote. I know you would vote for me because you mommies who read this totally understand. You get me and get the frustration that I have to deal with. Yes, I understand that not all moms can be perfect and raise children who excel so much. But seriously?!?!?! These moms should NOT be in charge of the PTA!

I'm not doing this for me, of course. As a mom, I can definitely say that everything I do, I do out of selflessness.  Look, I don't care if I get credit for things (and in fact I don't want it!!! Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE attention). For example, I really don't want credit for putting on the most successful PTA fundraiser last year in the PTA's history. I don't mind AT ALL that other moms in the PTA got credit for it for being the "official" organizers, even though it was basically my endorsement of the activity that got the town to show up and open their pockets.

I'm doing this for Fortify. And Aloe. And Opaque. And Cider. And the rest of the children. So they can have an organization that will fight the schools and the teachers. That will be willing to stand up to them and demand that the teachers devote more time and personal resources to accommodate the more gifted children. That will force the school to reverse its recent rule banning live parent-teacher critique during class instruction, which only really affects me since I'm the only one who really cares enough about the children to go to the classroom each day to help train the educators.

June Snapple will do none of this.

It's no coincidence that Snapple rhymes with Crapple.

Which reminds me--I need to go make a new campaign poster.