Monday, June 11, 2012

Members of the PTA

Hey moms! It's me again!

We are now just 2 weeks away from the BIG election! June Snapple has been going around the PTA telling all the other moms that she plans to make this next year more about "collaboration" and making sure that all moms' voices are heard. WTF?!?!?! Has she SEEN this group??? Let me explain to you why there are some moms who should NOT be heard:

Grace Telly: Will probably take on assignments without giving a second thought about whether she's going to be able to complete them while her brats run wild through the neighborhood, trespassing on my property for their "paper route." Not to mention, Grace has been moaning about her cancer now for like 5 months. YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH TIME WE'VE WASTED IN MEETINGS TALKING ABOUT THAT WOMAN'S CANCER!

Myra Fitzgibbons: Ironic that the word "fit" is part of her last name, if you know what I mean.

Janice Brigson: Wouldn't know a good parenting technique if one bit her. And you can tell this is true by looking at her children.

Donna Rable: Blah blah blah blah blah! Always complaining about how hard it's been since her husband died pulling people out of a house fire (probably did it on purpose so he wouldn't have to listen to Donna go on about her charity organization she created anymore).

Etc. Etc. Etc.

I would go on, but you know me---I don't judge other moms who insist on putting their kid in the SAME music class as Fortify, only to then destroy all group performances with their total lack of talent. I just help.


Ugh. I wish you were all in the PTA so you could vote. I know you would vote for me because you mommies who read this totally understand. You get me and get the frustration that I have to deal with. Yes, I understand that not all moms can be perfect and raise children who excel so much. But seriously?!?!?! These moms should NOT be in charge of the PTA!

I'm not doing this for me, of course. As a mom, I can definitely say that everything I do, I do out of selflessness.  Look, I don't care if I get credit for things (and in fact I don't want it!!! Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE attention). For example, I really don't want credit for putting on the most successful PTA fundraiser last year in the PTA's history. I don't mind AT ALL that other moms in the PTA got credit for it for being the "official" organizers, even though it was basically my endorsement of the activity that got the town to show up and open their pockets.

I'm doing this for Fortify. And Aloe. And Opaque. And Cider. And the rest of the children. So they can have an organization that will fight the schools and the teachers. That will be willing to stand up to them and demand that the teachers devote more time and personal resources to accommodate the more gifted children. That will force the school to reverse its recent rule banning live parent-teacher critique during class instruction, which only really affects me since I'm the only one who really cares enough about the children to go to the classroom each day to help train the educators.

June Snapple will do none of this.

It's no coincidence that Snapple rhymes with Crapple.

Which reminds me--I need to go make a new campaign poster.


  1. Poor Casper. Not even a mention this time.

    Or maybe that's a good thing for Casper. I'm never quite sure.

  2. Be sure to schedule the PTA conference on BYU campus in May! Don't forget to be extra rude to students and very demanding when ording Jamba Juice, paying particular attention to the calories in every single smoothie on the menu. I wouldn't vote for you unless you did, because you must be very representative of the entire PTA.

  3. I have been waiting for months to see June Snapple go down! Can't believe the time is almost here!

  4. It really amazing that you care so much about the children. I am pretty sure that if all parents were like you, then the education system in the U.S. wouldn't be so sketchy.

    p.s. your really good at rhyming

    1. I don't think that people should rely on the system entirely. I'd heard about Individualized Tutoring before and this time I've hired one home tutor. After all our child's knowledge and future should be our main concern.

  5. Maybe your campaign poster could be a new craft competition?? That way we can all feel like we're part of your raging success??????

    1. Great idea! (Just fyi, I came up with it first. But you should be really pleased that you're starting to think like me! You'll be a good mom in no time ;P.