Moms. I know. I know. I've been absent from your lives for like a couple of weeks.
WHAT THE CRAP DID YOU DO WITH YOURSELVES WHILE I WAS GONE?!?!?!?!
JK all the way. I know you all have your own lives and stuff and I know that most of you are able to function without hearing from me. But that doesn't stop me from feeling guilt over going a couple of weeks without telling you how to be better moms!!!
Things have been CRAZY around here. Fortify is about to reach the end of pageant season. And to tell you the truth, I am SO relieved! I need some ME time for a little while. The problem is, Fortify just THRIVES on these pageants and SHE insists on doing them, even though they take a toll on her mommy! I wouldn't be so quick to let her enter, IF SHE WASN'T SO INCREDIBLY TALENTED! It's just so frustrating to see children winning competitions that my babies AREN'T involved in. Because I'm all like, "you are NOT the best! You just competed against the trash of the town!"
I hate to be so critical of the children. Especially because I know that 70% of the problem is bad parenting. I see parents letting their kids drink pure sugar and I'm all like, "no WONDER the economy is crashing!" But you know me, I don't judge other moms for being so incompetent. I just help.
And I have a new opportunity to help the world now!!! Because mommies, GUESS THE HELL WHAT!?!?!?!
YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE NEW PTA PRESIDENT!!! (well, "co-president" or something).
Let me explain!
So, June Snapple somehow got elected again, which makes NO sense to anyone that is smarter than Grace Telly (which is absolutely everyone, including her dog who died drinking cleaning supplies last year at Grace's house. At least those cleaning supplies were put to SOME use, if you know what I mean).
Well, GREAT news. June's oldest was just diagnosed with a rare blood disease. I'm not surprised, of course, considering how much June neglects her children. Anyway, June started complaining that with her husband off fighting in some "war" she can't handle taking care of everything AND be PTA president by herself now.
Could you imagine if I complained like that every time I got bad news?!??!? Nobody heard me complaining about having to shirk my responsibilities when we had to get part of our roof repaired last year because a branch fell on it. NO WAY! I kept being the number one mom AND got someone to come fix it.
June Snapple gets the tinsiest bit of bad news and BAM, she can't handle life anymore.
It's good for the town. BECAUSE, drum roll ................. the bylaws of the PTA require that the person with the second most votes in the most recent election take over PTA president duties if the president has to step down.
And guess who got the second most votes!!! (well, probably June, because I still think she cheated. But whatever, they're saying it's me).
For some reason June isn't stepping down completely. So they've asked me to be a "co-president" with her. Whatever that means.
I don't think it's going to be easy working with June Snapple. Can you imagine having to plan activities for the community with someone who dresses like she works at a strip club?!?!?! (one that will take just about anyone, I might add).
But I need to do this for the community.
So PTA, HERE I COME!!!!
The poor neighborhoods won't know what hit them.