Sunday, August 26, 2012


Well I can't say it's been all peachy around town lately. You might say my co-presidency of the PTA with June Snapple could be called "Clash of the Titans."  I prefer other titles: "Beauty and the Beast," for example.

I have to meet one-on-one with June Snapple once a week. ONCE A WEEK! Do you know how hard it is to have to hold your breath for a whole hour, ONCE A WEEK?!?!?!?! June insists this is necessary so the PTA can function productively. I have a better idea for getting the PTA to function productively: June Snapple could move out of town and take her lice-ridden adopted children with her. Of course, she probably can't stay sober long enough to set foot behind the wheel of a car.

Yeah, she talks as though she never drinks. But I just can't imagine that a consistently sober person would dress herself the way Snapple does. I would give you my guesses as to why she's a total drunk, like, for example, because her life is so pathetic that this is her only escape. But you know me. I never judge. I only help.

So we have now planned our first PTA activity. A fundraiser. Ugh. Can you believe we have to hold an event in order to collect money that will then benefit children who have parents that are too lazy to earn enough money to contribute anything at all?! I keep telling everyone, the best way to solve our budget problems would be to restructure the boundaries so that the poor neighborhoods (aka, the lazy ones) would be cut out of our school district. Then, the money that is already contributed by the clean families won't have to be spread so thin and we won't have to hold all of these stupid fundraisers. Of course, since the idea came from me and because the PTA is full of gossipy backstabbing women, nobody is willing to consider it.

So now I have to bake 5 cakes to be sold at this event. I'm certain I'm the only person who knows how to bake. But I have to say I'm very surprised that they didn't ask Grace Telly to do it. I mean, I don't know whether she has any experience in baking, and she certainly probably isn't intelligent enough to be trusted with an oven, but heaven knows she looks like she's had a lot of experience recently eating cakes.

Well I insisted that I be in charge of the one hour entertainment portion of the event. None of these other people know a thing about show business. So, I'm having Fortify prepare 20 minutes of material. I suspect she'll probably do some clogging. Then a reading. I've asked her to read a poem she wrote 3 years ago about me. I'm so embarrassed whenever she insists on sharing it with others, of course. I HATE having the attention on me. But it really is a masterpiece so it's really not fair for me to stop the world from hearing it.

I don't know yet what the other 40 minutes will consist of. MOMMIES, ANY IDEAS OUT THERE?!?! I mean, obviously the best option will be to have my other children perform numbers together. Which reminds me, I'm going to have find a babysitter for Casper that day. I hate to leave him out of these things, but it's really for his own good. He just doesn't have the talent that my girls have. And he ruins EVERYTHING. Yes, next to June Snapple's children, he looks like a rocket scientist (as do monkeys), but my girls are an exceptional breed of children and I hate to see him get upstaged again.

Anywaysies, I'm off! TTYL Mommies!


  1. Eli! You are such a great mom! I am inspired by how hard you work. June Snapple sounds like a real piece of work. You should def try to get her impeached. Or deported!

  2. I'm sure you sing, right? You could do like 40 minutes of singing.