Sunday, August 26, 2012


Well I can't say it's been all peachy around town lately. You might say my co-presidency of the PTA with June Snapple could be called "Clash of the Titans."  I prefer other titles: "Beauty and the Beast," for example.

I have to meet one-on-one with June Snapple once a week. ONCE A WEEK! Do you know how hard it is to have to hold your breath for a whole hour, ONCE A WEEK?!?!?!?! June insists this is necessary so the PTA can function productively. I have a better idea for getting the PTA to function productively: June Snapple could move out of town and take her lice-ridden adopted children with her. Of course, she probably can't stay sober long enough to set foot behind the wheel of a car.

Yeah, she talks as though she never drinks. But I just can't imagine that a consistently sober person would dress herself the way Snapple does. I would give you my guesses as to why she's a total drunk, like, for example, because her life is so pathetic that this is her only escape. But you know me. I never judge. I only help.

So we have now planned our first PTA activity. A fundraiser. Ugh. Can you believe we have to hold an event in order to collect money that will then benefit children who have parents that are too lazy to earn enough money to contribute anything at all?! I keep telling everyone, the best way to solve our budget problems would be to restructure the boundaries so that the poor neighborhoods (aka, the lazy ones) would be cut out of our school district. Then, the money that is already contributed by the clean families won't have to be spread so thin and we won't have to hold all of these stupid fundraisers. Of course, since the idea came from me and because the PTA is full of gossipy backstabbing women, nobody is willing to consider it.

So now I have to bake 5 cakes to be sold at this event. I'm certain I'm the only person who knows how to bake. But I have to say I'm very surprised that they didn't ask Grace Telly to do it. I mean, I don't know whether she has any experience in baking, and she certainly probably isn't intelligent enough to be trusted with an oven, but heaven knows she looks like she's had a lot of experience recently eating cakes.

Well I insisted that I be in charge of the one hour entertainment portion of the event. None of these other people know a thing about show business. So, I'm having Fortify prepare 20 minutes of material. I suspect she'll probably do some clogging. Then a reading. I've asked her to read a poem she wrote 3 years ago about me. I'm so embarrassed whenever she insists on sharing it with others, of course. I HATE having the attention on me. But it really is a masterpiece so it's really not fair for me to stop the world from hearing it.

I don't know yet what the other 40 minutes will consist of. MOMMIES, ANY IDEAS OUT THERE?!?! I mean, obviously the best option will be to have my other children perform numbers together. Which reminds me, I'm going to have find a babysitter for Casper that day. I hate to leave him out of these things, but it's really for his own good. He just doesn't have the talent that my girls have. And he ruins EVERYTHING. Yes, next to June Snapple's children, he looks like a rocket scientist (as do monkeys), but my girls are an exceptional breed of children and I hate to see him get upstaged again.

Anywaysies, I'm off! TTYL Mommies!

Monday, August 13, 2012


Moms. I know. I know. I've been absent from your lives for like a couple of weeks.


JK all the way. I know you all have your own lives and stuff and I know that most of you are able to function without hearing from me. But that doesn't stop me from feeling guilt over going a couple of weeks without telling you how to be better moms!!!

Things have been CRAZY around here. Fortify is about to reach the end of pageant season. And to tell you the truth, I am SO relieved! I need some ME time for a little while. The problem is, Fortify just THRIVES on these pageants and SHE insists on doing them, even though they take a toll on her mommy! I wouldn't be so quick to let her enter, IF SHE WASN'T SO INCREDIBLY TALENTED! It's just so frustrating to see children winning competitions that my babies AREN'T involved in. Because I'm all like, "you are NOT the best! You just competed against the trash of the town!"

I hate to be so critical of the children. Especially because I know that 70% of the problem is bad parenting. I see parents letting their kids drink pure sugar and I'm all like, "no WONDER the economy is crashing!" But you know me, I don't judge other moms for being so incompetent. I just help.

And I have a new opportunity to help the world now!!! Because mommies, GUESS THE HELL WHAT!?!?!?!

YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE NEW PTA PRESIDENT!!! (well, "co-president" or something).

Let me explain!

So, June Snapple somehow got elected again, which makes NO sense to anyone that is smarter than Grace Telly (which is absolutely everyone, including her dog who died drinking cleaning supplies last year at Grace's house. At least those cleaning supplies were put to SOME use, if you know what I mean).

Well, GREAT news. June's oldest was just diagnosed with a rare blood disease. I'm not surprised, of course, considering how much June neglects her children. Anyway, June started complaining that with her husband off fighting in some "war" she can't handle taking care of everything AND be PTA president by herself now.

Could you imagine if I complained like that every time I got bad news?!??!? Nobody heard me complaining about having to shirk my responsibilities when we had to get part of our roof repaired last year because a branch fell on it. NO WAY! I kept being the number one mom AND got someone to come fix it.

June Snapple gets the tinsiest bit of bad news and BAM, she can't handle life anymore.


It's good for the town. BECAUSE, drum roll ................. the bylaws of the PTA require that the person with the second most votes in the most recent election take over PTA president duties if the president has to step down.

And guess who got the second most votes!!! (well, probably June, because I still think she cheated. But whatever, they're saying it's me).

For some reason June isn't stepping down completely. So they've asked me to be a "co-president" with her. Whatever that means.

I don't think it's going to be easy working with June Snapple. Can you imagine having to plan activities for the community with someone who dresses like she works at a strip club?!?!?! (one that will take just about anyone, I might add).

But I need to do this for the community.


The poor neighborhoods won't know what hit them.