Thursday, December 6, 2012

June Snapple Returns :(


So good to talk to you again!!! I like to imagine when I'm typing this that we're having a fun chat together. One where I'm doing all the talking, of course!!!

Anywaysies, June Snapple got back into town last week so I'm sure the rate of STD spreading in town shot back through the roof. I never thought I would say this, but it was kind of a relief to have her back. Grace Telly was filling in for her while she was gone.

GRACE TELLY. The woman who once drank an entire bottle of Windex because she thought it was blue Gatorade.

As you can imagine, going to PTA presidency meetings with Grace Telly was a lot like visiting an animal shelter. DID I JUST SAY THAT?!?!? :-P

In Grace's defense, how do you even fill in for someone who gets around as much as June Snapple probably does? Especially when you're no looker, like Grace. I would go on and tell you about how the qualities I just described are nowhere near as shocking as June and Grace's terrible parenting skills, but you know me. I don't judge. I just help.

So since June Snapple made it back into town, I can spend a little more time with my babies, which they desperately need. My time away from them on PTA duties was completely temporary. Any mom who doesn't spend at least 12 hours of direct one-on-one contact with her children every day should be arrested in my opinion.

Fortify has started on a new project that she came up with ALL BY HERSELF to make a beautiful collage of pictures and statements about . . . ME. I am SO embarrassed that she would do this! And I tried to get her to make it about someone else but she just kept saying, "show me a better mother than you!"

Moms, I have to say that the most rewarding part about being a good mother is the incredible relationship I get to have with my babies. I feel so sorry for you if you have a bad relationship with your children because it means you haven't put forth the effort to be an incredible parent, like I have.  That's why I'm still working on that book about how to be a better mom! You will THANK me later.

I only wish I had enough time to come to each of your houses and teach you one-on-one.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

June's Exit (although temporary . . .)

Hey Moms!

The So Way Cute mask craft competition was a HUGE success. Everyone sent in the CUTEST masks and I was all like, "stop it! You're going to make me jealous!" Of course that would have been a joke though. I could never be jealous of another person because who else gets to be the mother of Fortify!? :--OOOPPPPDL?//

Anywaysies, HUGE congrats to our big winners of the competition Brayla and Cantor! Seriously, your guys's mask was SO way cute and I'm like totes going to make one myself as soon as I'm done teaching Aloe Greek this afternoon. I'll probably spice it up a little bit and add some lace and some other so way cute stuff. It will be better than yours, if I'm being honest, but I won't forget that you guys totally inspired it. Well, I inspired you to make it, so I guess I totally inspired myself. But you guys were part of it and I'm so happy for you.

Guys, best news of the YEAR! Are you ready for it!?? JUNE SNAPPLE IS GOING OUT OF TOWN! Apparently her kid needs some kind of special treatment in a facility a few hours away so she'll be gone for a couple of weeks. It's super annoying that she's making such a big deal out of leaving because now everybody else in the PTA is like offering to help out with her other kids and bring meals and stuff. I'm all, "yeah, I would take some of her kids into my home, if I let animals into the house!" :-P

I mean, I get it. June Snapple is having to pay for her parenting mistakes by taking her kid to a hospital. And now the other kids who have not been properly raised need somewhere to go. But what if they taught Opaque that, oh I don't know, it's ok to eat with her hands!?

Anywaysies, so at least June will be out of town so I won't have to deal with her in PTA meetings. Problem is, she appointed Grace Telly to take her place for the next few weeks. Shouldn't be a big deal though. I just need to bring a ball of yarn for her to bat and she should be distracted enough to not get in my way. That is, if she is smart enough to figure out how to get to the meetings in the first place.


Thursday, November 1, 2012

So Way Cute Masks Voting!!!

Hey Moms!!!! It's here! I give you six entries below in the latest SO WAY CUTE craft competitions! These moms really did their best, even though some of them are poor! Don't forget to vote for your favorite on the top right hand of the blog! Voting goes through Saturday!!!!

Precia & Coleslaw's Tape Masks: Your SO WAY INSPIRING blog prompted my daughters, Precia & Coleslaw to make these adorable masks (after they finished writing their operetta). They really look up to your Fortify.
Brayla and Cantor's Patchy the Pizza Pirate: This mask was created by my eldest, Liam Harding the XXI.  He constructed this glorious mask out of the pristine pizza box as chosen from Mother's Magazine (it was a delightful dinner), a sharpie (although he did stain his hands- bleach bath later!) , 2 solo cups (BPA free!), a paper towel (grown on our plantation, hand picked by our team of yetis, and hand-woven by our youngest three children-ages 5 months (Prudence) , 12 months (Fissure), and 13 months (Faux) , forks that our second eldest, Brouhaha, assembled from recycled plastic while studying abroad in Greenland, and butterfly clips from the local Office Mart where I find all of my PTA needs ;) 

We hailed the mask, Patchy the Pizza Pirate, and danced with the yetis around it for hours- as any ceremony of good fortune is practiced. Even when Prudence fell into the ceremonial flames, she kept chanting "win win win, win win win". 3rd degree burns are not the worst this family has seen and while the ceremony continued, Liam patched his baby sister up with extra butterfly clips.

The picture is of the mask, being modeled by Prudence (she will be wearing it until the scars from the flames have healed).  The picture is taken in front of Brouhaha Prudence's brother, Liam's craft from last week.  We know, we know- it could have been a better sailboat painting- he was slightly tired from the 2 marathons the weekend before, but I told him this was still no excuse.

Caressa's Office Supply Mask: Obviously the mask is a cross between a lion and a piranha. I'm still working out the details, because WHERE WOULD THIS CREATURE LIVE?, but I think I'm going to call it a liranha
Trixy's The "Watermelon You Doing?!?!?" Mask: for your inquisitive child.  Note the cutie cute cute design of the melons on top that look like a bow!!!!!!!!!!!  Now just remember that this mask doesn't have eye holes for a reason! I mean, what GOOD, Responsible mommy would let watermelon juice blind their child?  If your child isn't smart enough to walk around without "seeing" in the technical sense, I'm sure you can find a mask for stupid children at Save-on or something.  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 v
Travis Football Jones "Rock, Paper, Scissors" Mask: This mask is to help inspire the competitive nature that children need to be winners, and not crying-their-eyes-out losers.

 Shelly's Witchy Witch Mask: Since it is Halloween, we used candy for the eyes and nose, but my favorite part is the shredded fabric hair.  It adds so much character.

Sunday, October 28, 2012


Heeey mommies!

SO, I know everybody has been like SO way annoyed for a while because we haven't had any so way cute craft competitions.

I'M SORRY, OK!!! I'm like so way busy all the time because my kids are doing all of these things and I'm always having to run around to see them get all of these awards and sometimes I'm just all like, "would you guys stop being so talented already!?!?!?!?" :-P

But it's not like I just stopped making crafts! Mommies, I make crafts like all the time. I really think that you can't be a good mom if you don't make crafts at home using common household products! And I TOTES don't think it counts as a craft if you haven't pinned it for everyone else to see!

Anywaysies, part of the reason I've been too busy for craft competitions lately is because June Snapple is STILL making me do EVERYTHING for the PTA. Moms, I am SO frustrated with June Snapple. When I ran for PTA president, I did it so I could just so I could tell everyone what to do. I'm really knowledgeable about a lot of things and I just felt that it was so unfair for me to keep it all in and plus NOBODY else in that PTA is smart enough to do a good job. Plus, June Snapple was the president for so long and I just thought that it was time that the president spot wasn't occupied by someone who probably dresses like she works at a brothel when she's home. The decisions that woman makes . . . it's NO WONDER her oldest has been in the hospital for the last two weeks! I would say more, but you know me. I don't judge. I just help.

SO, because it's now Halloweeeeeeeeeensies (BOO! HAHA), I have been making costumes for my babies. All four of my girls are going to be princesses, as usual! Both Aloe and Cider are going to be Cinderella, Opaque is going to be Kate Middleton, and Fortify insists on being me! How can I make a costume of myself?! It would be easier if she wanted to be Grace Telly. I would just sow her a cow costume.

I don't know what Casper is going to be. I don't really have time to make his costume because I'm so way busy.

Anywaysies, for the frugal mommies who can't afford to love your kids as much as hard-working caring mommies do, I want to do a SO WAY CUTE craft competition for Halloween masks that don't cost that much money! So I present for you, my homemade Halloween mask.

ALLS I did was got a paper plate and had Fortify paint flowers around the edges. Then I taped pieces of a straw as eyebrows, cut out holes for eyes, taped a leaf on for lips, and then taped blue pieces of paper onto the side as a side ponytail. And that's seriously it! It's SO way cute and not that expensive!

So, you know the drill, mommies! Make some so way cute masks using items from around the house. Take a picture and send it to me at by TUESDAY AT MIDNIGHT. I will post the entries and everyone will vote for this week's winner of the so way cute craft competition!


Saturday, October 6, 2012

FUNdraiser Review!!!!

Heeeyyyyy mommies!!!

I know! I'm like totes the WORST mommy blogger EVER! I can't even imagine what kind of suspense I kep' you in!!! UGH!!!!

WELP, rest assured, I'm here and GREAT AS EVER!

I've been sooooooooooooo busy lately with my NEW JOB on the PTA, which has taken me to another world entirely! NOT to mention, it has been SO hot around here lately that I've hardly wanted to do anything other than hang around the new community pool! Unfortunately they'll let anyone in to the place so as you probs already guessed, it's overrun now by the poor neighborhoods.

Oh well. We'll get them out of the school first and worry about the pool later.

BUT, the PTA is THRIVING under my presidency! It was really hard at first because June Snapple was like calling me every day and all, "Hey, could you help me do this or that or blah blah blah blah blah, I have lipstick all over my teeth again, blah blah blah, also my kids all have lice as usual, blah blah blah." Fortunately I'm like super patient with horrid people and I would never say a mean thing about June Snapple no matter how trashy she looks at our PTA meetings so I just always tell her I'm going to take care of things and then I do what I want. Thankfully her kid's blood disease has been really bad lately so she's sort of just stayed out of my way so she can go deal with the consequences of her neglect.

We had our fundraiser and my babies TOTALLY SHINED during the entertainment portion! Fortify was, as always, completely moving! She did stutter over a line during her 10 minute recitation of a poem she wrote about me. But I took care of that after the show.

Mommies, DISCIPLINE IS HARD! I really think that, other than having to go to so many boring performances that our kids are involved in, it is the hardest part of the job! But I sat Fortify down and just told her that mistakes are unacceptable and that if she keeps going this way she's going to become another Casper. She's grounded this week, but I might cut her punishment short a little bit. What can I say?! I have a soft heart when it comes to my children! I think this is probably what makes me a good mom.

Anywaysies, the thing that was the most annoying at the fundraiser was that like after 5 minutes of the entertainment portion, people started leaving. By the end, the only people that were there besides me were June Snapple and her kids. I'm certain that people were just really jealous of all the talent they saw on stage. And I think a lot of parents in this town feel really inadequate when they see Fortify perform. BUT SERIOUSLY! If they knew me, they would know that I don't judge. I just help!

We didn't make much money in the fundraiser so I basically saved the day. One person in town, who shall remain nameless for the time being, had a VERY scandolous affair that I happen to know about despite it being a HUGE secret. This person also happens to have a lot of money. So, I made a quick phone call and now we have all the money we need until the next fundraiser! Grace Telly FREAKED out on me when she found out what had happened. It's like Grace Telly doesn't think people should be punished for their mistakes! But you know, I try not to be too hard on Grace. She's too stupid to understand things that normal people understand. So I just pat her shoulder lovingly and say, "oh Grace. You just keep being you." Which, honestly, is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I want.


Sunday, August 26, 2012


Well I can't say it's been all peachy around town lately. You might say my co-presidency of the PTA with June Snapple could be called "Clash of the Titans."  I prefer other titles: "Beauty and the Beast," for example.

I have to meet one-on-one with June Snapple once a week. ONCE A WEEK! Do you know how hard it is to have to hold your breath for a whole hour, ONCE A WEEK?!?!?!?! June insists this is necessary so the PTA can function productively. I have a better idea for getting the PTA to function productively: June Snapple could move out of town and take her lice-ridden adopted children with her. Of course, she probably can't stay sober long enough to set foot behind the wheel of a car.

Yeah, she talks as though she never drinks. But I just can't imagine that a consistently sober person would dress herself the way Snapple does. I would give you my guesses as to why she's a total drunk, like, for example, because her life is so pathetic that this is her only escape. But you know me. I never judge. I only help.

So we have now planned our first PTA activity. A fundraiser. Ugh. Can you believe we have to hold an event in order to collect money that will then benefit children who have parents that are too lazy to earn enough money to contribute anything at all?! I keep telling everyone, the best way to solve our budget problems would be to restructure the boundaries so that the poor neighborhoods (aka, the lazy ones) would be cut out of our school district. Then, the money that is already contributed by the clean families won't have to be spread so thin and we won't have to hold all of these stupid fundraisers. Of course, since the idea came from me and because the PTA is full of gossipy backstabbing women, nobody is willing to consider it.

So now I have to bake 5 cakes to be sold at this event. I'm certain I'm the only person who knows how to bake. But I have to say I'm very surprised that they didn't ask Grace Telly to do it. I mean, I don't know whether she has any experience in baking, and she certainly probably isn't intelligent enough to be trusted with an oven, but heaven knows she looks like she's had a lot of experience recently eating cakes.

Well I insisted that I be in charge of the one hour entertainment portion of the event. None of these other people know a thing about show business. So, I'm having Fortify prepare 20 minutes of material. I suspect she'll probably do some clogging. Then a reading. I've asked her to read a poem she wrote 3 years ago about me. I'm so embarrassed whenever she insists on sharing it with others, of course. I HATE having the attention on me. But it really is a masterpiece so it's really not fair for me to stop the world from hearing it.

I don't know yet what the other 40 minutes will consist of. MOMMIES, ANY IDEAS OUT THERE?!?! I mean, obviously the best option will be to have my other children perform numbers together. Which reminds me, I'm going to have find a babysitter for Casper that day. I hate to leave him out of these things, but it's really for his own good. He just doesn't have the talent that my girls have. And he ruins EVERYTHING. Yes, next to June Snapple's children, he looks like a rocket scientist (as do monkeys), but my girls are an exceptional breed of children and I hate to see him get upstaged again.

Anywaysies, I'm off! TTYL Mommies!

Monday, August 13, 2012


Moms. I know. I know. I've been absent from your lives for like a couple of weeks.


JK all the way. I know you all have your own lives and stuff and I know that most of you are able to function without hearing from me. But that doesn't stop me from feeling guilt over going a couple of weeks without telling you how to be better moms!!!

Things have been CRAZY around here. Fortify is about to reach the end of pageant season. And to tell you the truth, I am SO relieved! I need some ME time for a little while. The problem is, Fortify just THRIVES on these pageants and SHE insists on doing them, even though they take a toll on her mommy! I wouldn't be so quick to let her enter, IF SHE WASN'T SO INCREDIBLY TALENTED! It's just so frustrating to see children winning competitions that my babies AREN'T involved in. Because I'm all like, "you are NOT the best! You just competed against the trash of the town!"

I hate to be so critical of the children. Especially because I know that 70% of the problem is bad parenting. I see parents letting their kids drink pure sugar and I'm all like, "no WONDER the economy is crashing!" But you know me, I don't judge other moms for being so incompetent. I just help.

And I have a new opportunity to help the world now!!! Because mommies, GUESS THE HELL WHAT!?!?!?!

YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE NEW PTA PRESIDENT!!! (well, "co-president" or something).

Let me explain!

So, June Snapple somehow got elected again, which makes NO sense to anyone that is smarter than Grace Telly (which is absolutely everyone, including her dog who died drinking cleaning supplies last year at Grace's house. At least those cleaning supplies were put to SOME use, if you know what I mean).

Well, GREAT news. June's oldest was just diagnosed with a rare blood disease. I'm not surprised, of course, considering how much June neglects her children. Anyway, June started complaining that with her husband off fighting in some "war" she can't handle taking care of everything AND be PTA president by herself now.

Could you imagine if I complained like that every time I got bad news?!??!? Nobody heard me complaining about having to shirk my responsibilities when we had to get part of our roof repaired last year because a branch fell on it. NO WAY! I kept being the number one mom AND got someone to come fix it.

June Snapple gets the tinsiest bit of bad news and BAM, she can't handle life anymore.


It's good for the town. BECAUSE, drum roll ................. the bylaws of the PTA require that the person with the second most votes in the most recent election take over PTA president duties if the president has to step down.

And guess who got the second most votes!!! (well, probably June, because I still think she cheated. But whatever, they're saying it's me).

For some reason June isn't stepping down completely. So they've asked me to be a "co-president" with her. Whatever that means.

I don't think it's going to be easy working with June Snapple. Can you imagine having to plan activities for the community with someone who dresses like she works at a strip club?!?!?! (one that will take just about anyone, I might add).

But I need to do this for the community.


The poor neighborhoods won't know what hit them.

Monday, July 16, 2012

PTA Depression

The town mayor issued a letter, congratulating June Snapple on her big win. He said he's happy to have someone who is going to help him in his mission to combat poverty in our area. It was such a slap in the face. Like they took my campaign promises and attributed them to June.

I was the one who was going to fight poverty! I promised to do what I could to get the poor neighborhoods OUT of our school district. I was POUNCED on for saying things like that. But now, all of the sudden, June Snapple is "fighting poverty" and she's the big hero.

To tell you the truth, it's been a rough week or two.

June is still the PTA president.

I am still the most unappreciated mom in town.

And Grace Telly still shouldn't be allowed out of her house without a helmet.

Meanwhile, my children are the only talented kids in town. Certainly their very CARING, and LOVING, and KNOWLEDGEABLE mommy would have NOTHING to do with THAT! How I was not elected PTA president is still a mystery to me. Some days I bounce around from rage to despair, then back to rage, then despair, etc.

And through it all, Casper keeps asking me to come to his soccer games. Seriously Casper?! Soccer?! Does he not know what happened to me?! How can he possibly think that I would want to go to a soccer game right now? Not to mention, Casper hasn't even scored a goal this season. I just don't have it in me right now to go sit through one of his games, only to see him fail.

But that's what being a mom is. Sometimes you have to just deal with disappointment. Sometimes you have to find ways to politely tell your children that they need to do a better job to earn your attention. Sometimes you have to just keep trying, even when it would be so easy to give up.

And sometimes, the thing that keeps me going is knowing how much of an inspiration I am to all of you. No, I'm not the "official" PTA president. But I am your leader. I am your example. You need me to show you how to make so way cute crafts. You need my advice for how to deal with delinquent children, and for how to obtain the spotlight for those who need it. You need me to tell it like it is. To call out those who raise their children to be the spawn of Satan. And above all else, you need my example of how to be a mom who doesn't judge. A mom who just helps.

I'm still here. And will be. I will continue to be your shining light through the darkness. Because I know how much you all love and need me.

You're welcome.

Monday, July 2, 2012


AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  GRAAAARRARARARARARRALKJKJ%$%$%$%$%$%#%#%@%!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I SUPPOSE it's unbecoming of a mommy to be so full of rage, but I DOUBT ANY MOMMY HAS EVER HAD TO DEAL WITH SUCH FRUSTRATION!!!!



It all started Friday morning. My babies were out passing fliers and putting up anti-June posters when suddenly Fortify was approached by a police officer. This moron took Fortify from her work and made her bring him to me. Then he TOTALLY freaked out on me for putting up innocent pictures around town depicting June Snapple getting her head cut off with dull scissors (something everyone wishes would actually happen!). The posters were so way cute, not that some gross police officer man could possibly recognize that. I was all like, "I'm sorry you're so offended by this picture. I guess you've never met June Snapple???" But then he like starts threatening me that I have to take them down.

Well, I'm not the type that likes trouble so I was all like, "fine, don't come complaining to me when June Snapple invites Chugger Elementary to next year's barbecue and your kids all get lice as a result!"

Then I had to spend the rest of the morning going around town collecting all of my campaign materials. And moms, it was SO frustrating because I knew that it was all just a conspiracy by the town (headed by none other than June Snapple) to try to keep me from winning the election. But I knew that it didn't really matter BECAUSE WHO WOULD VOTE FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN WEARING THE SAME DRESS FOR THAT MANY YEARS???

So then the voting began. We all gathered at the school and waited in line. Then, after hardly more than half the total votes had been counted, someone announced that June Snapple had won and that was that.

Guys, I wish you could have seen how disturbing it was to watch the other moms cheer. It was like they knew if June Snapple didn't sense enthusiasm from them, her bad parenting skills would somehow turn their own children into illiterate morons too.

And the thing is, I KNOW there was cheating going on. Seriously, who would have NOT voted for me??! I suspect that even June Snapple probably wanted to vote for me. I hesitate to say anything because you know I don't like to start rumors or gossip, but seriously, I'm 100% positive that June Snapple and Grace Telly stuffed the ballot box. And the whole town can see that ballot boxes aren't the only thing Telly is stuffing lately. Oink oink. And I'm confident that Grace Telly is too stupid to pull something like this off on her own, but June Snapple has been around the block a few times (in more ways than one!!! If you know what I mean!) and I'm sure she has rigged the election every year since she took office in 2001.

Well congratulations PTA! You get another year of lipstick teeth lady.

We might as well just turn the school into a brothel.

Prudish whore.

It's a good thing I don't judge.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012


Mommies, we're in the final days! And I'm going to win this PTA election! But before I start talking about myself (SOMETHING I HATE DOING!) let me remind everyone to congratulate Melissa on winning the so way cute anti-June Snapple poster competition. Melissa is now a TWO-TIME so way cute craft competition winner! And this time, it was TOTES deserved! Her poster really captured the feelings of everyone in this town. But she had some stiff competition this time. Each of our participants explained EXACTLY why Snapple ought to be run out of the state!

Fortify is busily turning Melissa's poster into an even greater masterpiece and we'll spend the afternoon hanging them up around town. Again, I know that I don't really need to be campaigning right now--I mean WHO ON EARTH IS GOING TO VOTE FOR JUNE SNAPPLE???? But I don't want my babies to misconstrue my actions as giving up. Otherwise I MIGHT AS WELL LET THEM BE CO-RAISED BY GRACE TELLY AND JUNE SNAPPLE! I would make a big deal out of the fact that both of them have accepted meals from the neighbors instead of cooking on their own due to "tragedies and illness in the family," even though I consistently cook no matter how many pageants Fortify is involved in. But I don't want to rag on them for that because you know me. I don't judge. I just help.

Anywaysies, the PTA election is on FRIDAY!!! This is expected to be the BIGGEST election turnout in our PTA's history. People seem really really upset this year and I've heard a lot of people talk about how they are going to head to the booth to send a loud message to one of the candidates that certain behavior is not acceptable in our town. Of course we all know they are probably talking about how June Snapple hasn't done a darn thing to try to get the poor neighborhoods cut out of our school boundaries. Seriously. I don't even want to think about what kinds of things Fortify is learning from some of those kids. I would home school them. If my time wasn't so valuable.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Anti-June Snapple Poster VOTE!!!

Hey mommies! So we got some great entries for the Anti-June Snapple so way cute craft competition! We're down to just one week now! Can you believe it?!?!?!?!?!?!

Anywaysies, vote on the top right for the cutest poster and I'll use that in the final week to finally get rid of Snapple once and for all. (So she can go be a homewrecker in some other town! Oops! Did I just say that?!?!?!?! ;-P). Voting closes on Monday at midnight!!!!!

Today is Fortify's 5th birthday. We don't have time to celebrate this week because this PTA campaign is more important. But we'll have something to make up for it. I just bought the so way cutest new outfit and I want to wear it to her birthday party so we will FOR SURE do something!





Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Campaign Posters!!!

Moms, it's a great day to be alive!!!!!! WHY??!! Because Junes Snapple IS AT THE END OF HER ROPE!!! Yes mams! With just over one week to go before the election takes place, the whole town can just feel the horror of June Snapple's PTA presidency finally slipping away.

Make room for the mother load!!! Because here I come!

I feel at this point like it's sort of a waste of time to keep campaigning. There is NO WAY anyone is going to vote for that used-to-be-a-raging-alcoholic (you didn't hear it from me!!!). This week Snapple has Grace Telly wandering the neighborhoods dropping fliers on the front porches. GRACE TELLY!!! I'm surprised Grace Telly is intelligent enough to walk--I can't believe Snapple is desperate enough to give her an assignment.

Meanwhile, both Snapple and Telly are neglecting their children, AGAIN!!! It is absolutely NO WONDER that their kids hardly speak English. I would say that their moms are totally incompetent, but you know me. I don't judge other moms who let their children sleep until 7:00 AM!!!!!! I just help.


I thought that since we're at the end of such a fun campaign season, why not turn it into a SO WAY CUTE craft competition!?!?!?!

So this week's craft is a little different. It's not something that you'll probably hang in your house for too long, but it's so way important!!! This is JUST like during World War II when everything needed to go toward the war effort. This week's craft:

Anti-June Snapple Campaign Posters!!!

This one was made by Casper. SO glad he's attempting to help his mom. No this isn't as good as anything Fortify could make, but I don't like to compare my children with each other.

Alls I need you mommies to do is design a good anti-June poster on a piece of paper and email me a picture of it to You all have until Thursday at midnight to send in your entry! We'll have another vote to choose the best one and then I'll let Fortify and Aloe turn it into an actual poster to hang up in town two days before the PTA election. AND OF COURSE THE WINNER WILL GET A COVETED SPOT ON THE SO WAY CUTE CRAFT WINNERS TAB!!!!

I know that this is so way fun, but let's not forget how important this all is. I never thought I would get into politics--you all know I certainly DON'T HAVE TIME FOR IT with everything my girls are involved in! But I have just seen society decay so much. I HATE power, and I absolutely don't want it. But I know that if I don't take the presidency, things are only going to get worse.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Members of the PTA

Hey moms! It's me again!

We are now just 2 weeks away from the BIG election! June Snapple has been going around the PTA telling all the other moms that she plans to make this next year more about "collaboration" and making sure that all moms' voices are heard. WTF?!?!?! Has she SEEN this group??? Let me explain to you why there are some moms who should NOT be heard:

Grace Telly: Will probably take on assignments without giving a second thought about whether she's going to be able to complete them while her brats run wild through the neighborhood, trespassing on my property for their "paper route." Not to mention, Grace has been moaning about her cancer now for like 5 months. YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH TIME WE'VE WASTED IN MEETINGS TALKING ABOUT THAT WOMAN'S CANCER!

Myra Fitzgibbons: Ironic that the word "fit" is part of her last name, if you know what I mean.

Janice Brigson: Wouldn't know a good parenting technique if one bit her. And you can tell this is true by looking at her children.

Donna Rable: Blah blah blah blah blah! Always complaining about how hard it's been since her husband died pulling people out of a house fire (probably did it on purpose so he wouldn't have to listen to Donna go on about her charity organization she created anymore).

Etc. Etc. Etc.

I would go on, but you know me---I don't judge other moms who insist on putting their kid in the SAME music class as Fortify, only to then destroy all group performances with their total lack of talent. I just help.


Ugh. I wish you were all in the PTA so you could vote. I know you would vote for me because you mommies who read this totally understand. You get me and get the frustration that I have to deal with. Yes, I understand that not all moms can be perfect and raise children who excel so much. But seriously?!?!?! These moms should NOT be in charge of the PTA!

I'm not doing this for me, of course. As a mom, I can definitely say that everything I do, I do out of selflessness.  Look, I don't care if I get credit for things (and in fact I don't want it!!! Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE attention). For example, I really don't want credit for putting on the most successful PTA fundraiser last year in the PTA's history. I don't mind AT ALL that other moms in the PTA got credit for it for being the "official" organizers, even though it was basically my endorsement of the activity that got the town to show up and open their pockets.

I'm doing this for Fortify. And Aloe. And Opaque. And Cider. And the rest of the children. So they can have an organization that will fight the schools and the teachers. That will be willing to stand up to them and demand that the teachers devote more time and personal resources to accommodate the more gifted children. That will force the school to reverse its recent rule banning live parent-teacher critique during class instruction, which only really affects me since I'm the only one who really cares enough about the children to go to the classroom each day to help train the educators.

June Snapple will do none of this.

It's no coincidence that Snapple rhymes with Crapple.

Which reminds me--I need to go make a new campaign poster.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Mother's Day!!!!

Hi mommies!!!!

So sorry I didn't write last week!!!! As you can imagine, I've been BUSY BUSY BUSY. Sometimes I think, "how is a mom supposed to find the time to just focus on MOM!??!?!?" But then I think I just need to be thankful that I have kids who are excelling in so many ways. It really is a testament to the kind of mom I am. Your children are a bi-product of you. So the better mom you are, the more talented and impressive your children should be. Yes, there are a few exceptions. For example, Casper is often a disappointment (DID I JUST SAY THAT?!?!?!) but MOST of the time, when a child misbehaves, it's because that child's mommy is failing as a parent. Take June Snapple's kids for example. I was GASPING IN SHOCK at a recent school spelling bee when Snapple's oldest (Fortify's age) couldn't spell "congratulations." Of course, June probably made excuses for him--"English isn't his native language . . . he struggles with learning since he was traumatized in his war-torn birth country . . . he just got out of the hospital again . . ." Whatever. If that's what she needs to do to not feel like she's a DISASTER of a parent, more power to her! I would gossip and complain about her to you all if I didn't have my rule about not judging other moms. You know me.

But what I'm really writing about today---HELLO! MOTHER'S DAY WAS JUST HERE!!! I can't even BELIEVE how much my babies did for Mother's Day this year. The whole time I was all like, "STOP IT WITH THE LOVE AND ATTENTION ALREADY!!!" I HATE it when the focus is on me. But the kids INSISTED on honoring me (and let's be honest--I DESERVE IT! ;-P).

They each wrote poems about me as a mother and about how big of a support I am in their lives (and NO, I did NOT help them with it!).

I want to share Aloe's poem with you:


Mother, always working for good,
Never judging, although she could,
Giving all to her children five,
So they can keep the world alive
With joy and talent and music and art,
To teach all others to do their part,
Never a better parent in the neighborhood,
Mother, always working for the good.

MOMMIES!!!! I'm like TOTES CRYING RIGHT NOW!!!! So embarrassed that you saw that poem but I just couldn't help but share it with you.

Then Fortify painted this for me:

And I'm all like, "FORTIFY!!! Is THAT supposed to be me!!!!" Of course, I was only joking. I don't like to brag, but I'm probably in the best shape of any mommy in the PTA, which is really an achievement CONSIDERING HOW BUSY I AM!!! Anyway, Fortify told me that it's supposed to represent my grace and poise. I am SO proud of her.

Guys, I don't think I can handle another Mother's Day--which is TOO BAD FOR ME because we are celebrating it again this coming Sunday. A few years ago the kids had the idea to do an extra Mother's Day 2 weeks later so I could have a day that I don't have to share with other moms. I'm so spoiled!!!! Anyway, I wish they wouldn't do it, but every year they PRACTICALLY INSIST!!!

Ok, I'm off to print off some campaign signs. I hate to have to resort to attack campaigning, but the rest of the PTA seems to be too stupid to figure out on their own how terrible June Snapple and her awful lisp are for this town!


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Checking In!!!

Heeeeey mommies! ;)

I'm so sorry I've been totes MIA for the last couple of weeks. SO much going on in my life right now you WOULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT! All good things, of course. I get tons of blessings all the time because of how much I do. BUT I HAVE TO SAY, sometimes I wish the blessings would just SLOW DOWN!!! ;-P

The presidential election is taking most of my time these days. On the one hand, there's a candidate who cares about the people. Who has the experience to actually make a difference. Who knows how to run things. And on the other hand: a babbling idiot who cares more about her charities and people than campaigning to keep the poor neighborhoods out of our school boundaries. Yes mam, this is going to be one wild PTA presidential campaign season. And June Snapple IS GOING DOWN, along with her horrid prosthetic leg, that she probably is too stupid to figure out how to put on by herself every day while she ignores her adopted children. But you know me, I don't judge other moms. I just help.

Fortunately Fortify had some big news yesterday. Her pre-school voted her most likely to succeed. We, OF COURSE, were not surprised. If you saw ANY of those kids in that class, you would be embarrassed that they even had to vote on it. What's really sad is that none of the other kids in that classroom are even cute or trendy. Add that to their lack of ambition and leadership skills . . . well, let's just say their mommies can kiss even a mediocre future good bye. But I don't blame the children. I would blame their mommies, if I judged.

Anywaysies, I'll have a new so way cute craft ready for you soon! You won't believe it! Until then, keep being you, mommies, and let's make sure June Snapple is a ONE TERMER!!!!!

~I'm Unfit to Be a Mother

Sunday, April 22, 2012

BIRD FEEDER WINNER and June Snapple's Shopping

Hi mommies! Well we had a very exciting craft competition vote this week with Daniel barely edging out the other mommies with his Holy Dove Bird Feeder. Be sure to congratulate this hard working mom when you see Daniel!!!

I have been BUSY BUSY BUSY this weekend. June Snapple has been a PAIN IN THE YOU KNOW WHAT. She practically assaulted me in the grocery store the other day. I saw her pushing some old woman around in a wheel chair (probably taking advantage of her!), supposedly "helping" her shop since this lady was too old to help herself. I thought, "how would it be to be June Snapple and have SO MUCH TIME on your hands that you have to wander around and find the vulnerable to be friends with you just so you can have company?"

Meanwhile, her kids were probably at home eating sugar and unsupervised because their dad is off in some country 10,000 miles away fighting some war (probably just to get away from June Snapple). But you know me, I don't judge other moms. I just help.

Anyway, as I was pushing my grocery cart with all of my organic foods and saline solutions for Fortify's cleanse, which will hopefully help her fit into her pageant dress (I wish she would STOP GROWING ALREADY), June Snapple wouldn't move that old bat's wheel chair out of my way. I was THIS CLOSE to suing her for entrapment. Then she said hello and asked me how my day was. SO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.

She is going to be in a LOT of pain when NOBODY votes for her in this PTA election. And believe me, NOBODY will vote for her when they hear what I have to say about her in the next couple of weeks!!!!!

~ June Snapple is Probably a Saint

Saturday, April 14, 2012


Hey mommies! I hope everyone is having SUCH a good week!!!! Things are looking up for me since June Snapple got food poisoning on Thursday! She's still campaigning (and probably neglecting her children in the process, but you know me, I don't judge other moms), but she's sick and therefore getting WHAT SHE DESERVES!!! ;-)

Anyways, below are the 5 best bird feeders you made! Make sure to vote for your favorite one on the top right! I'll leave voting open until the end of Wednesday! Let's beat our voting record of 207 for the dream catchers!!!

Kel's Bird Hair: So I'm always telling my teenage daughters two things: 1) Uh-Uh honey, you are NOT going out of the house with your hair looking like a bird's nest! and, 2) You should get outside more and enjoy nature. You so totally inspired me with your bird feeder cuz I thought, why not combine them!!?!? This is one of my daughters trying it out, and she LOVES it. All you do is make sure your hair can hold lots of stuff that attracts birds. In this case, we used leaves and a shiny tiara. But of course you could add whatever you have around, like grass or bugs or teeny-tiny books about migration. Then just fill the center with the foods your local birds love and hold really, really still! We have a lot of hummingbirds, so of course we use mostly popcorn and pistachio nuts, but again, the options are limitless. Next week we're going to add live mice to try to attract hawks.

Daniel's Holy Dove Bird Feeder: We are a religious household and we do what we can to attract only the most spiritual birds around here. All other birds are of the devil.

Melissa's Cat Bird Feeder:  We girls know how important it is to get "beach ready"....this fancy bird feeder sends the message "look, eating is ok....but let's not overdo it being unhealthy is for the birds"!! (#amIright??)

Sara's Toilet Roll: I totally have about 10 toilet paper roll bird feeders hanging on the trees in my front yard that we made last week.  The birds love them so much that we can't even keep up with enough tp and paper towel usage to supply the neighborhood flocks.

Ray's Teaser Bird Feeder: As a mom, I despise all birds. That is why I place the food in a way that no bird can possibly get to it. When I'm not to busy posting about the other moms in the neighborhood I'm mad about on Facebook, I sit at the window and watch the birds run into this.

Monday, April 9, 2012

June "Toilet" Snapple and COMPETITION!

OMG Sisters!!!! This mom is getting pretty darn tired!!! Fortify's pageants and Opaque's music performances HAVE TAKEN OFF THIS WEEK!!!! And what timing! Right as I've launched my campaign for PTA president!!! You should have seen the look on June Snapple's face this morning when she opened her front door and saw a dummy look-a-like with its detached head in a toilet and a big sign that said "June Snapple looks better this way! Run June Snapple out of the PTA and OUT OF TOWN!!!"

It wasn't one hour before she was calling the school board to whine about having a little competition. June Snapple is the WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO THIS TOWN! She's practically a terrorist! I get so tired of hearing everyone talk about all of her volunteer work at the homeless shelter and the foundation she organized for children with Leukemia. YOU KNOW WHAT SNAPPLE?! I WOULD HAVE DONE TWICE THAT IF I WASN'T BUSY WATCHING MY CHILDREN IN COMPETITIONS COMPLETELY EMBARRASS THOSE BRATS YOU ADOPTED  AFTER THAT FIRE TOOK OUT THAT VILLAGE IN WHATEVER COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM!

Anyway, now June is firing back, lest you started to feel sorry for her. I saw her poster up at the school today and it had some hideous picture of her and her kids and it said something like, "June Snapple asks for your vote so she can finish the job." FINISH THE JOB?!?!?!?!?!? SO NOW SHE'S THREATENING ME?!?!?!?! Fine by me! Now I have evidence that June Snapple is probably part of the mob! Then the poster went on to say something about involving all parents and children in the school community. Blah. Blah. Blah. Obviously an attack on Fortify for being so talented that there isn't room for other kids.

Seriously, I think this might be the most important election of our lifetime. I hate to think what June Snapple and her second-hand-clothes might do to this town with another year in power.

But you know me. I don't judge. I just help.

To take my mind off of the completely unfair and aggressive tactics in this campaign, I spent some time making another SO WAY CUTE CRAFT!!!! OMG this craft is SO WAY CUTE! Today's craft is . . . . . . . . . . drum roll  . . . . . .

A BIRD FEEDER!!!!!!!!!

Alls I did was I got two plates, shoved a pencil through the center, tied some of Casper's headphones to the top, put some sunglasses on it to represent spring and summer, and then put tons of super yummy chocolate covered bird food in. AND THAT'S SERIOUSLY IT!!!! I can't believe how easy it is! I have made 46 of them and put them all over my yard and they are SO WAY CUTE!!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you know the drill! Make your bird feeders mommies! You have until the end of Thursday to send them in to me at And they BETTER be so way cute if you want to win the competition!

~Bird Feeders are Cute

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


In my last post, I announced my PTA president candidacy so be sure to read that if you haven't, because today I have some big news.

I don't want to overreact, but I'm pretty sure June Snapple is CHEATING in our race for PTA president!!!! I overheard her last week talking to a group of moms just after their spring luau planning meeting (which is SURE TO BE A TOTAL DISASTER, ESPECIALLY SINCE GRACE TELLY IS IN CHARGE OF IT THIS YEAR! Grace Telly hasn't succeeded in doing anything since she properly passed through the birth canal. And there are some who might even say that her doing so wasn't actually a success for the world! But you know me, I don't judge other moms who let their yards look like landfills and then blame it on their "cancer." I just help.). Anyway, while they were talking, I heard June Snapple say something about ballot stuffing. I can't be sure, but I'm rarely wrong about anything. So now I HAVE TO CHEAT IN ORDER TO EVEN THE PLAYING FIELD!!!! What is wrong with this world?!?!?! Why am I always the victim!??!?!?!

Fortify and Opaque have been licking envelopes all day to send out some fliers for the campaign. I hate to waste their precious talents on such menial tasks, but I've attended so many of their performances and things that I think it's safe to say they owe me BIG TIME by now. I'm doing my best to get Casper to stay out of our way. I tell you, that boy IS A HANDFUL!

I've just designed a new flier accusing June Snapple of embezzling PTA funds last year to take her family on a big trip. In all honesty, it's mostly not true. She DID go on a big trip. But I doubt she's intelligent enough to figure out how to embezzle money. But if she's going to cheat, I feel like I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE!!! Plus, it's ultimately for good because whatever I can do to keep June Snapple from another term is going to benefit the community 1,000 times over!

I don't know how I do it all!

I love you, dear mommies! Keep being you (if you're trying to be me!!! ;-P)!!!!

~I Will Be PTA President!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012


The mommies have spoken again!!!! Looks like we have a new winner to join our winners tab! With 28% of the vote, you chose Shauna and Karin's "Celebration of Spring" as this week's CUTEST craft! Congratsies to Big S and Big K!!!

In other news, it's been a hard hard week for me. Sometimes I just have to deal with so much and it's not always easy to be the example to other moms. I make my so way cute crafts. I drive my girls around to their various competitions. I completely deck the house with whatever holiday decorations are in season. I do it ALL. And I do it for you--so you'll have someone to look up to. Someone to show you how to act in order for others to understand that you care about your children. Because BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY there are so many moms out there who don't care ONE OUNCE about their kids' well being. I saw a mom just the other day WHO LET HER KIDS WATCH TELEVISION!!!!! And I thought, "I'm sorry that your kids mean so little to you that you would let cable news channels raise them!" (But you know me, I don't judge other moms who don't have enough motivation or love to give their children what they need. I just help.).

I think the biggest reason I'm so discouraged right now is because of what's happening in the PTA again. I ran for president last year and lost AGAIN because of some jealousies in the program. Elections are here again and this year I intend to beat June Snapple--June Snapple, who thinks it's acceptable to let moms attend our meetings WHO HAVEN'T EVEN MADE THEMSELVES LOOK PRESENTABLE!!!! Seriously, June Snapple is the WORST PTA president IN HISTORY!!!! The PTA has ABSOLUTELY fallen into total embarrassment since she took over.

The only problem is, I haven't been allowed to attend meetings lately and the PTA doesn't even consider me a member anymore (MORE JEALOUSIES THAT I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE TIME TO GET INTO RIGHT NOW). The whole thing disgusts me. But if June Snapple thinks that's going to stop me from running for president SHE SHOULD THINK AGAIN (or should I say for the FIRST TIME IN HER LIFE!!!). I already have my first campaign slogan ready: "June Snapple is one bad apple! Vote for a mom who has kids that won't end up in prison!"

Anyway, I'm off. Fortify is having her pictures taken today and then it's off to the next round of a competition that is beneath her. I tell you, it will be nice when this pageant is over and we can start focusing on regionals!!!

~I Will Own The PTA

Friday, March 23, 2012

Dream Catcher Competition!!!!

Hey mommies!!!! So many of you sent in AMAZING dream catchers this week!!! Unfortunately, I had to limit the competition a little because we had too many entries. This is getting SO competitive!!! I hope some of you are as good under pressure as MY FORTIFY!!! Anyway, I chose 7 entries this time that really spoke to me. Some of these included captions, which I included below the picture. Look at them carefully and DON'T FORGET TO VOTE ON THE TOP RIGHT OF THE BLOG!!! I'm going to leave voting open until MONDAY AT 11:59 PM!!!!!!

Sara's Domesticated Dreams: "It includes some fun beads from my daughter Roger's latest birthday party, her pageant lipstick (it's an ADORABLE shade of sparkly pink!), a can opener (even though I only serve my children FRESH fruits and vegetables, we do like to keep cans on hand for feeding the hungry in our neighborhood, because it just BREAKS MY HEART to see people who just are not as BLESSED and FORTUNATE as I AM!), and of course Roger's ABSOLUTE FAVORITE HAIR BOW. Her brother Roger was so happy to see such a wonderful representation of the fabulous women in our family. I am just so proud of my AMAZING CHILDREN. They really look up to your Fortify, after all. We ALL hope that some day they can meet such an inspirational young lady!!!"

Melissa's Banana Dreams: "This dream catcher is made of 100% recycled bananas, Christmas string, and tacks. The tacks were used to hold up my kids works of art but they got bumped."

Kodi's Phone Dreams: Came without a description, but was apparently part of a  show-down at work this week (I feel SO bad for Kodi's children that they have a mommy who cares more about her career than them!!!! But you know me, I don't judge other moms. I just help).

Shauna & Karin's Celebration of Spring: More working moms. Poor things. (I mean their kids).

Antoinette's The First Eye Dream Catcher: "Mine is two sided.  The first side is a shiny surface designed to blind "The First Eye" and the second side is designed to fool "The First Eye" into thinking the area is occupied since they are loners."

Andrea's Beauty in the Great Outdoors: This "is what you get when we Amazing Mothers Do Our Best. We know that a good mother mixes the outdoors with the indoors. I used a simple hanger to create the frame, and grocery bags, tin foil, and plastic wrap to complete the basics. I then gathered herbs from my yard. Also, no fabulistic mother-woman is complete without several hair flowers and bling jewelry to go with her fantastic hair bumpit and dream catcher."

Daniel's Online Dangers: "As mommies, we've got to be on the look out for online dangers!  That's why I designed this super cutesy computer dream catcher!!!!   This catcher is intended to protect us from the "undesirables" of life (my husband wouldn't let me use his picture!?!?!)  The cottage cheese was put in to represent not wanting cottage cheese legs, but I used cottage cheese because I'm a good mommy, and don't want any enticing images on my computer.
The kid, well, because no mommy would ever be proud of a kid with that hair color
And the chicken to serve as a warning to the Queen of Colors."

Monday, March 19, 2012

NEW CRAFT!!! And Update on the Kids!!!

Hey mommies!!! So it has been such a CrAzY weekend here at our house!!!! First of all Fortify had her first round of the Miss Patty Pageant and SHE WAY OUTSHINED THE OTHER GIRLS!!!! I'm not surprised, and I'm sure nobody else was. I just hope that the judges aren't as incompetent as the pageant administrators. GAGs! They physically prevented me from going back stage because of "new policy." But you know what was interesting? I saw OTHER mommies going back stage. Other mommies who dress their children LIKE THEY WORK IN A SWEAT SHOP SOMEWHERE!!!! Unbelievable. But you know me. I don't judge other moms who haven't updated their fashion sense since the '80s! (Which is pro'lly the last time they thought of the word "exercise" or cared about their children).

Then, Cider and Opaque had a dance recital and as you can imagine, THEY STOLE THE SHOW!!! Other parents were complaining after the performance that my babies got too much attention and demanded that they not be allowed to take center stage in future performances. It must be SO hard to have disappointing children.

To top it all off, Aloe charmed us at home with a very moving rendition of her one-girl-show adaptation of Oedipus (my FAVORITE story). She was so compelling in every single part. If I weren't interested in keeping my babies out of the spotlight so they can just have a normal well-adjusted childhood, I'm sure she would be a HUGE star by age 4!!!

Casper had some spelling bee or sporting game or something going on too, but we didn't make it because of Aloe's home performance.

Anyway, but what I'm REALLY excited to tell you about today is . . . . . . . . . ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?!?!?!?!?!? . . . . . . I MADE ANOTHER SO WAY CUTE CRAFT!!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!! You are just going to DIE when you see it!!! I got the idea while I was setting up for a neighborhood picnic (which NOBODY attended, ehem!!!) and I have made 75 of them for the kids' rooms!!! The girls just LOVE them.


In my opinion, you can NEVER have too many dream catchers. So below is a pic of my FAVORITE one I made. Alls I did was cut out the center of a paper plate, staple some rubber bands to it, and then decorate the center with household products. As you can see in the pic, I include fake sugar packets, Casper's tooth brush, an egg, and then adorned the top with some toilet paper. AND THAT'S SERIOUSLY IT!!! It turned out SO WAY CUTE and I can't WAIT to show people when they come over.

"Tooth Brush Egg"

Now FOR THE COMPETITION: Same rules as last time. You all have until Thursday at 11:59 PM to send me your own home made dream catcher to I will select the cutest entries and enter them into the competition. SOME OF YOU SENT YOUR BOTTLE DOLLS IN LATE LAST TIME!!! NO EXCEPTIONS!! Do you really think if Fortify showed up late for a beauty competition, they would let her compete?!?!?!?!?!!?

Can't wait to see your submissions!!!!

~Dream Catchers are Always Ugly

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Bottle Doll WINNER!!!!!1!!!!!!

WELP! THE MOMMIES HAVE SPOKEN!!!! And we have a winner! Congrats to my new e-bff Melissa for her submission "Beach Doll" apparently named "Trudy!!!" Welcome Trudy and Melissa to the new mommy winner CRAFTS TAB!!!! As you noticed, I didn't enter my own bottle doll into the competition. I didn't think it would be fair or fun for everyone to see my crafts consistently winning these competitions. Not every mom has the time, energy, talent, love, etc. that I have in the same way. Some moms don't care about how their homes look. Some moms let their children WATCH TELEVISION!!!! But you know me--I don't judge other mommies for letting the smut of the world raise their babies. I just help.

Well I'm off! Fortify is out selling Girl Scout cookies again, despite attempting to convince the organization that it would one day pay for all the type two diabetes it causes. Her complaints went unheard. And you all know my Fortify!!! When competition is in the air, SHE CAN'T HELP BUT STEP UP AND EXCEL!!! Someone the other day commented to me about this quality in Fortify and this person said that she could tell Fortify got that from ME! I was so embarrassed and WAS TOTALLY BLUSHING when this person said that! I was all like, "OMG! I hope nobody heard you say that!!!" Those of you who don't know me probably don't know HOW MUCH I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE COMPLIMENT ME! ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC!!! I'm not really the braggy or the center of attention type so it's really uncomfortable for me when someone stops me and tells me how good of a mom I am, or how impressive my girls are, or how good of a singer I am, etc. (all things that I was UNFORTUNATELY  told in just the last week alone! B.L.U.S.H.I.N.G.!!!).

Ok, have a nice weekend! And stay tuned for my next craft competition!! What I have in store for next time is WAY SO CUTE!

~Please Compliment Me Frequently

Monday, March 12, 2012


Well I have the best news since Cider restructured our Neighborhood Watch to include monthly safety instruction meetings taught by yours truly! (Which nobody has yet attended--I GUESS I'M THE ONLY MOMMY OUT THERE WHO CARES ABOUT PROTECTING HER BABIES!!!! But you know me, I don't judge other moms who aren't capable of love to the same level as THIS mommy). After receiving some of your craft submissions, I have chosen a few of the CUTEST ones for our craft contest and I'm posting them here today! PLEASE VOTE FOR THE CUTEST CRAFT!!! YOU CAN VOTE ON THE TOP RIGHT OF THE BLOG!!!! I will leave the voting open until Wednesday at midnight.

Whichever craft gets the most votes is going to go in our new "Cutest Crafts" Tab!!! More cute craft competitions to come (if ever I can find enough time between Fortify's award ceremonies!!!:))!!!!!

#1: Krishelle's "Pepsi Doll"

#2: Eliza's "7 Up Doll" (Which you should NEVER give to your children)

#3: Daniel's "Napkin Head Doll"

#4: Melissa's "Beach Doll"

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


First of all, UPDATE ON MY HAIR! It's TOTES SO CuTe!!!!!! You wouldn't believe it! I just place the Bump-it right in the back and it makes my head look like an alien! I can't wait to try more Bump-it options! Everyone was STARING AT ME yesterday when I took Fortify to one of her glamour photo shoots (pics to come!)! Everyone was SO JEALOUS of my hair!!! I could see it in their eyes!

But it hasn't been ALL hair around here! I have been making the CUTEST CRAFTS EVER!!!!!!!! It's so amazing what you can do when you have some odds and ends sitting around (AND with a little talent, if I do say so myself!!!!). And so I have another HUGE announcement!!!!!!! While working on my parenting book, I'm also going to start posting the CUTEST pics ever of the CUTEST crafts I'm making in my home!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THEM SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!! JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THEM! It's going to help so many of you mommies decorate your homes in a way that ISN'T SO EMBARRASSING!!! I've been to other mommies' homes AND BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT THERE ARE SOME PROBLEMS OUT THERE! But you all know me---I don't judge! I just help!

So this first SO WAY CUTE craft is called "Bottle Doll" and it's SO EASY to make (and SO CuTe!!!! <3)! Alls you do is take a cute water bottle, and a can of tuna fish and a white napkin. Wrap the napkin around the can and draw a silly face on it. Then stuff it in the mouth of the water bottle. AND THAT'S SERIOUSLY IT!!!! I have put 70+ around my house! The only trouble is, it's hard to keep Aloe from playing with them! She keeps trying to teach them Hebrew, and I'm all like, "ALOE!!!! They're dolls for heavens SAKE!!!!" What we mommies go through! Nobody without kids know what a challenge life can be! I FEEL SO SO BAD FOR THEM!!!!

K! Make some and send me pics please (!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to see how crafty my mommy friends are! AND I'll even send you a critique to help you improve! I'll even post your pics if I see any that are good enough!

~I make the cutest crafts EVER!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Casper . . . AND MY HAIR!!!!

I am at WIT'S END!!!!!!! I had no idea having a boy would be THIS hard! This morning when I got Casper up at 5:00 to practice the violin and memorize the Gettysburg Address, you know what he said to me?!

Casper: Mommy, I'm so tired. May I please sleep until 5:20 today?
Me: Casper, every second you stay in that bed, a child is becoming more impressive than you.

I don't know how I can make it more clear to him. If he doesn't learn this at ALMOST AGE 3, I don't know how he thinks he's going to learn it as an adult.

I only mention this out of love. I love Casper. He has so many good qualities. He's genetically gifted, for example. He's the only one in the family that can get the Queen of Colors to sleep. But he is NOT living up to the high standard that his two older siblings have set for him. When I compare Casper to my Fortify, I just want to cry for him!!!

HELP!!!!! Is there any mom advice out there?!?!?!! Have any of you EVER dealt with a child this delinquent!!???!?!

I know that most of the time when a child misbehaves it's because of a parenting failure in the home. But I now have proof that that is NOT always the case.

In other news, I am trying ALL KINDS OF EXCITING THINGS WITH MY HAIR!!!!! I will probably post pictures of it every day for the next little while because I know you will ALL want to see it! I have no doubt in my mind that your healthy interest in my hair style is what gets most of you through the day.

This is what I'm going for:


Love you sisters!!!!

~I'm So Into Myself

Thursday, February 16, 2012


Mommies, WE HAVE A CRISIS ON OUR HANDS!!!!!!!!!!! As I got to my gym yesterday to teach Zumba/Spin/Yoga, I saw this sign at the front desk!!!

Yup. They filled out the dreaded blank "Your child may have been exposed to" document. AT LEAST IT WASN'T LICE THIS TIME!!!!

Now Aloe and Cider have been itching their eyes! WHAT IF FORTIFY GETS IT?!?!?!?!?!?! I KNEW I should not have let them play in the kid area while mommy taught class to the mommies who gave up on themselves after pregnancy and are now trying to solve all of their problems with a one hour class twice a week (but you know me--I don't judge other moms. I have no idea what kinds of trials they aren't strong enough to handle that they might be dealing with).

I'm so worried that Fortify is going to get Pink Eye just as pageant season is beginning. We already have enough working against us, what with the petition to get her disqualified! (More jealous mommies who don't want their child to compete with my Fortify because they never taught their brats how to handle defeat!). Of course they say the petition is to protect the other children from "the events of last season." You know what, I'M SORRY THAT YOUR FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTERS DIDN'T HANDLE MY HELPFUL DIETING ADVICE BACK STAGE IN A HEALTHY MANNER! I'M SORRY THAT THE ONLY INFORMATION THEIR OWN MOMMIES HAVE GIVEN THEM HAS LED THEM TO BELIEVE THAT IT'S OK TO EAT IN THE 2 DAYS LEADING UP TO A COMPETITION (with THIS quality of participants, it's NO WONDER Fortify doesn't feel challenged!).

Anyway, now I've got to figure out how to deal with a possible Pink Eye problem. ANY MOM ADVICE OUT THERE????

~I Apparently Like Fortify More Than My Other Kids

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Pull Out the Tiaras!!!!

Ok, so I know you've all been wondering where on Earth I've been in the last week!!! Well wonder no more!!! I'm still here, just trying to figure out how to balance it all, just like all of you.

The main reason things have been so busy in the last week is that pageant season is in full swing again! YIKES!!! Fortify has been trying to narrow down which talent she'll use this year. I'm positive that the reason she didn't sweep the pageants in 2011 is because she was performing on such a higher level than the other children so the judges just didn't know how to score her. I believe she was disqualified for this reason.

The only thing I'm really upset about this go around is that I received a letter in the mail the other day from the pageant committee warning me that Fortify could be disqualified again. In full, the letter states:

Dear Eli,

It has come to our attention that despite our conversations with you in late 2011, Fortify plans to enter this year's contests. We are concerned about the delicate feelings of all of the children that participate in our competitions and constantly strive to encourage a positive environment in which they can shine and grow. We know you will help us this year by refraining from engaging in the aggressive tactics we warned you about last season. We remain very serious about the consequences of criticizing other children's performances, insisting on waiting in the child-only staging area, and bullying judges. We will consider our encounters with you in June, October, and November of last year as your final warnings and will not hesitate to disqualify Fortify in the event that we feel your behavior is counterproductive to the positive atmosphere we fervently try to foster.


Patty Pageant Committee 

WTH?!?!?!???!?!?!?!!!!???!?!?!?!!!!!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RESPOND TO THIS ONE!?!???!!!!!??!!! I'M SORRY IF I WANT TO BE INVOLVED! I'M SORRY THAT I CARE ABOUT MY CHILD AND DON'T TRUST HER TO BE LEFT TO THE INSTRUCTION OF COMPLETELY INCOMPETENT STRANGERS WHO HAVE PROBABLY NEVER RAISED A GIFTED CHILD BEFORE!!! I'm sorry that other moms out there are raising their own children LIKE WILD ANIMALS who have no structure and are incapable of internalizing constructive criticism!

This whole thing makes me so sick! But we are NOT going to let this ruin our pageant season. Fortify is going to win and she is going to win BIG this year!

~I Just Get More Competitive Over Things That Don't Matter

Friday, January 27, 2012


I know some moms out there have probably already beat me to it, but I am ready to get family van stick figure stickers for our car! (Cut me some slack on being behind on this! You all know what a crazy year 2011 was for my family, what with all of Fortify's achievements! We hardly had time to run ANY 5ks or write songs as a family this year!). My only problem is that I can't seem to find a site that makes a chicken stick figure and I just CAN'T IMAGINE doing this without including the Queen of Colors. So far the best site I have found is this one. CAN ANY MOMS OUT THERE HELP ME WITH THIS ONE????!?!?!!?!??!?!? WHAT SITE DID YOU USE FOR YOUR UNCOMMON PETS?!?!?!?!!!!???????!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?

The reason I want to do this is so my children feel valued. I firmly believe that putting stick figures of them with their names on the back of a vehicle that can be seen by all of the strangers of the world will not only boost their exposure, but their self-esteem also. I want people we don't know to know how many kids I have and what each of their names are. I don't feel like I would be doing my duty as a mommy if I didn't make this happen. I also know that most people LOVE seeing these so I want to join the trend to help make people on the road smile and admire our family!!! I think it's good for single people and other people who can't have children to constantly be faced with the reminder that being a parent is the ONLY fulfilling way to live life! It's also good for these people on the road to know that I have children to care for and therefore my priorities are more important and my time more valuable than theirs. I continue to hope that the more we make our presence known, the more the non-parents of the world will understand the need to accommodate us at every possible opportunity, to great sacrifice to them (because WHAT do people without kids know about sacrifice!!!!!?!?!??!?!?!???!?!????!?!?!?!?).

~I Just Follow Nonsensical Trends

Monday, January 23, 2012

BIG Announcement!!!!!

Hi friends! I've missed all of my blogging besties over the last week. I wish I could blog EVERY day but you all know how crazy things are around my house! Not a minute to think with all of the activities my babies are involved in this time of year! I can hardly believe Fortify is only a few months away from completing pre-school! I'm considering having her test out of the first several grades but I'm worried that the children in her peer groups desperately need her to stay involved in their classrooms. Many of these children do not come from good homes--they come from homes with parents who don't seem to care about them. Last week I saw one boy in Fortify's class show up to school with a TWINKIE in his lunch box!!! Can you believe that?!?!?! I almost called social services! But I know that not every mom out there has the ability to care for and love her child the same way I do. I'm sure this neglected boy has a mom with a lot of other things on her mind that she has decided to make more of a priority. Some moms just really struggle being moms and I can't fault them for that. MY HEAVENS!!! IF WE MOMS DON'T STICK TOGETHER, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO US!!!!???

But all of this has me thinking, and I am now ready to make a BIG HUGE GIGANTIC announcement. Are you sitting down?  . . . . . . . . . . I'VE DECIDED TO WRITE A BOOK!!!!!!

I know what you're thinking: But Eli, you don't have time to write a book! You have FIVE kids under the age of FIVE!!! And I know that so many of you have seen us around at various award ceremonies and recitals (I'm so embarrassed that you've seen us engaged in all of these things! SO BLUSHING RIGHT NOW!). But even though my time is so valuable and in such high demand, I know that you all would benefit from a book from me about parenting. I plan to call it, "Stop being a Mom and start being a Mommy!" I believe it will be very easy to write as I don't really have to do any research, but just write about my life and experiences. The only thing I worry about is how to handle the delicate nature of dealing with a delinquent child, as I'm now experiencing with Casper. Unless I find a way soon to figure out how to get Casper to move on from children's fictional novels and branch out to reading biographies, I don't know that I'll be a credible enough source on that topic in time to have the book published by Christmas this year.

Anyway, I would SO appreciate any questions you might have that you would like me to address in the book. You've seen me be a mommy and you can probably think of things in me that you've always wanted for yourselves, so please don't be shy to point those out!

~It Just Gets More Annoying