June's Exit (although temporary . . .)

Hey Moms!

The So Way Cute mask craft competition was a HUGE success. Everyone sent in the CUTEST masks and I was all like, "stop it! You're going to make me jealous!" Of course that would have been a joke though. I could never be jealous of another person because who else gets to be the mother of Fortify!? :--OOOPPPPDL?//

Anywaysies, HUGE congrats to our big winners of the competition Brayla and Cantor! Seriously, your guys's mask was SO way cute and I'm like totes going to make one myself as soon as I'm done teaching Aloe Greek this afternoon. I'll probably spice it up a little bit and add some lace and some other so way cute stuff. It will be better than yours, if I'm being honest, but I won't forget that you guys totally inspired it. Well, I inspired you to make it, so I guess I totally inspired myself. But you guys were part of it and I'm so happy for you.

Guys, best news of the YEAR! Are you ready for it!?? JUNE SNAPPLE IS GOING OUT OF TOWN! Apparently her kid needs some kind of special treatment in a facility a few hours away so she'll be gone for a couple of weeks. It's super annoying that she's making such a big deal out of leaving because now everybody else in the PTA is like offering to help out with her other kids and bring meals and stuff. I'm all, "yeah, I would take some of her kids into my home, if I let animals into the house!" :-P

I mean, I get it. June Snapple is having to pay for her parenting mistakes by taking her kid to a hospital. And now the other kids who have not been properly raised need somewhere to go. But what if they taught Opaque that, oh I don't know, it's ok to eat with her hands!?

Anywaysies, so at least June will be out of town so I won't have to deal with her in PTA meetings. Problem is, she appointed Grace Telly to take her place for the next few weeks. Shouldn't be a big deal though. I just need to bring a ball of yarn for her to bat and she should be distracted enough to not get in my way. That is, if she is smart enough to figure out how to get to the meetings in the first place.

TTYL! KHIDHHIEIJELKJJUJEJJEINJJLLL!

So Way Cute Masks Voting!!!

Hey Moms!!!! It's here! I give you six entries below in the latest SO WAY CUTE craft competitions! These moms really did their best, even though some of them are poor! Don't forget to vote for your favorite on the top right hand of the blog! Voting goes through Saturday!!!!

Precia & Coleslaw's Tape Masks: Your SO WAY INSPIRING blog prompted my daughters, Precia & Coleslaw to make these adorable masks (after they finished writing their operetta). They really look up to your Fortify.

Brayla and Cantor's Patchy the Pizza Pirate: This mask was created by my eldest, Liam Harding the XXI.  He constructed this glorious mask out of the pristine pizza box as chosen from Mother's Magazine (it was a delightful dinner), a sharpie (although he did stain his hands- bleach bath later!) , 2 solo cups (BPA free!), a paper towel (grown on our plantation, hand picked by our team of yetis, and hand-woven by our youngest three children-ages 5 months (Prudence) , 12 months (Fissure), and 13 months (Faux) , forks that our second eldest, Brouhaha, assembled from recycled plastic while studying abroad in Greenland, and butterfly clips from the local Office Mart where I find all of my PTA needs ;) 

We hailed the mask, Patchy the Pizza Pirate, and danced with the yetis around it for hours- as any ceremony of good fortune is practiced. Even when Prudence fell into the ceremonial flames, she kept chanting "win win win, win win win". 3rd degree burns are not the worst this family has seen and while the ceremony continued, Liam patched his baby sister up with extra butterfly clips.

The picture is of the mask, being modeled by Prudence (she will be wearing it until the scars from the flames have healed).  The picture is taken in front of Brouhaha Prudence's brother, Liam's craft from last week.  We know, we know- it could have been a better sailboat painting- he was slightly tired from the 2 marathons the weekend before, but I told him this was still no excuse.

Caressa's Office Supply Mask: Obviously the mask is a cross between a lion and a piranha. I'm still working out the details, because WHERE WOULD THIS CREATURE LIVE?, but I think I'm going to call it a liranha

Trixy's The "Watermelon You Doing?!?!?" Mask: for your inquisitive child.  Note the cutie cute cute design of the melons on top that look like a bow!!!!!!!!!!!  Now just remember that this mask doesn't have eye holes for a reason! I mean, what GOOD, Responsible mommy would let watermelon juice blind their child?  If your child isn't smart enough to walk around without "seeing" in the technical sense, I'm sure you can find a mask for stupid children at Save-on or something.  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 v

Travis Football Jones "Rock, Paper, Scissors" Mask: This mask is to help inspire the competitive nature that children need to be winners, and not crying-their-eyes-out losers.

 Shelly's Witchy Witch Mask: Since it is Halloween, we used candy for the eyes and nose, but my favorite part is the shredded fabric hair.  It adds so much character.

MASK COMPETITION!

Heeey mommies!

SO, I know everybody has been like SO way annoyed for a while because we haven't had any so way cute craft competitions.

I'M SORRY, OK!!! I'm like so way busy all the time because my kids are doing all of these things and I'm always having to run around to see them get all of these awards and sometimes I'm just all like, "would you guys stop being so talented already!?!?!?!?" :-P

But it's not like I just stopped making crafts! Mommies, I make crafts like all the time. I really think that you can't be a good mom if you don't make crafts at home using common household products! And I TOTES don't think it counts as a craft if you haven't pinned it for everyone else to see!

Anywaysies, part of the reason I've been too busy for craft competitions lately is because June Snapple is STILL making me do EVERYTHING for the PTA. Moms, I am SO frustrated with June Snapple. When I ran for PTA president, I did it so I could just so I could tell everyone what to do. I'm really knowledgeable about a lot of things and I just felt that it was so unfair for me to keep it all in and plus NOBODY else in that PTA is smart enough to do a good job. Plus, June Snapple was the president for so long and I just thought that it was time that the president spot wasn't occupied by someone who probably dresses like she works at a brothel when she's home. The decisions that woman makes . . . it's NO WONDER her oldest has been in the hospital for the last two weeks! I would say more, but you know me. I don't judge. I just help.

SO, because it's now Halloweeeeeeeeeensies (BOO! HAHA), I have been making costumes for my babies. All four of my girls are going to be princesses, as usual! Both Aloe and Cider are going to be Cinderella, Opaque is going to be Kate Middleton, and Fortify insists on being me! How can I make a costume of myself?! It would be easier if she wanted to be Grace Telly. I would just sow her a cow costume.

I don't know what Casper is going to be. I don't really have time to make his costume because I'm so way busy.

Anywaysies, for the frugal mommies who can't afford to love your kids as much as hard-working caring mommies do, I want to do a SO WAY CUTE craft competition for Halloween masks that don't cost that much money! So I present for you, my homemade Halloween mask.

ALLS I did was got a paper plate and had Fortify paint flowers around the edges. Then I taped pieces of a straw as eyebrows, cut out holes for eyes, taped a leaf on for lips, and then taped blue pieces of paper onto the side as a side ponytail. And that's seriously it! It's SO way cute and not that expensive!

So, you know the drill, mommies! Make some so way cute masks using items from around the house. Take a picture and send it to me at itjustgetsstranger@gmail.com by TUESDAY AT MIDNIGHT. I will post the entries and everyone will vote for this week's winner of the so way cute craft competition!

TTYL!

FUNdraiser Review!!!!

Heeeyyyyy mommies!!!

I know! I'm like totes the WORST mommy blogger EVER! I can't even imagine what kind of suspense I kep' you in!!! UGH!!!!

WELP, rest assured, I'm here and GREAT AS EVER!

I've been sooooooooooooo busy lately with my NEW JOB on the PTA, which has taken me to another world entirely! NOT to mention, it has been SO hot around here lately that I've hardly wanted to do anything other than hang around the new community pool! Unfortunately they'll let anyone in to the place so as you probs already guessed, it's overrun now by the poor neighborhoods.

Oh well. We'll get them out of the school first and worry about the pool later.

BUT, the PTA is THRIVING under my presidency! It was really hard at first because June Snapple was like calling me every day and all, "Hey, could you help me do this or that or blah blah blah blah blah, I have lipstick all over my teeth again, blah blah blah, also my kids all have lice as usual, blah blah blah." Fortunately I'm like super patient with horrid people and I would never say a mean thing about June Snapple no matter how trashy she looks at our PTA meetings so I just always tell her I'm going to take care of things and then I do what I want. Thankfully her kid's blood disease has been really bad lately so she's sort of just stayed out of my way so she can go deal with the consequences of her neglect.

We had our fundraiser and my babies TOTALLY SHINED during the entertainment portion! Fortify was, as always, completely moving! She did stutter over a line during her 10 minute recitation of a poem she wrote about me. But I took care of that after the show.

Mommies, DISCIPLINE IS HARD! I really think that, other than having to go to so many boring performances that our kids are involved in, it is the hardest part of the job! But I sat Fortify down and just told her that mistakes are unacceptable and that if she keeps going this way she's going to become another Casper. She's grounded this week, but I might cut her punishment short a little bit. What can I say?! I have a soft heart when it comes to my children! I think this is probably what makes me a good mom.

Anywaysies, the thing that was the most annoying at the fundraiser was that like after 5 minutes of the entertainment portion, people started leaving. By the end, the only people that were there besides me were June Snapple and her kids. I'm certain that people were just really jealous of all the talent they saw on stage. And I think a lot of parents in this town feel really inadequate when they see Fortify perform. BUT SERIOUSLY! If they knew me, they would know that I don't judge. I just help!

We didn't make much money in the fundraiser so I basically saved the day. One person in town, who shall remain nameless for the time being, had a VERY scandolous affair that I happen to know about despite it being a HUGE secret. This person also happens to have a lot of money. So, I made a quick phone call and now we have all the money we need until the next fundraiser! Grace Telly FREAKED out on me when she found out what had happened. It's like Grace Telly doesn't think people should be punished for their mistakes! But you know, I try not to be too hard on Grace. She's too stupid to understand things that normal people understand. So I just pat her shoulder lovingly and say, "oh Grace. You just keep being you." Which, honestly, is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I want.

TTYL!!!!

Fundraiser

Well I can't say it's been all peachy around town lately. You might say my co-presidency of the PTA with June Snapple could be called "Clash of the Titans."  I prefer other titles: "Beauty and the Beast," for example.

I have to meet one-on-one with June Snapple once a week. ONCE A WEEK! Do you know how hard it is to have to hold your breath for a whole hour, ONCE A WEEK?!?!?!?! June insists this is necessary so the PTA can function productively. I have a better idea for getting the PTA to function productively: June Snapple could move out of town and take her lice-ridden adopted children with her. Of course, she probably can't stay sober long enough to set foot behind the wheel of a car.

Yeah, she talks as though she never drinks. But I just can't imagine that a consistently sober person would dress herself the way Snapple does. I would give you my guesses as to why she's a total drunk, like, for example, because her life is so pathetic that this is her only escape. But you know me. I never judge. I only help.

So we have now planned our first PTA activity. A fundraiser. Ugh. Can you believe we have to hold an event in order to collect money that will then benefit children who have parents that are too lazy to earn enough money to contribute anything at all?! I keep telling everyone, the best way to solve our budget problems would be to restructure the boundaries so that the poor neighborhoods (aka, the lazy ones) would be cut out of our school district. Then, the money that is already contributed by the clean families won't have to be spread so thin and we won't have to hold all of these stupid fundraisers. Of course, since the idea came from me and because the PTA is full of gossipy backstabbing women, nobody is willing to consider it.

So now I have to bake 5 cakes to be sold at this event. I'm certain I'm the only person who knows how to bake. But I have to say I'm very surprised that they didn't ask Grace Telly to do it. I mean, I don't know whether she has any experience in baking, and she certainly probably isn't intelligent enough to be trusted with an oven, but heaven knows she looks like she's had a lot of experience recently eating cakes.

Well I insisted that I be in charge of the one hour entertainment portion of the event. None of these other people know a thing about show business. So, I'm having Fortify prepare 20 minutes of material. I suspect she'll probably do some clogging. Then a reading. I've asked her to read a poem she wrote 3 years ago about me. I'm so embarrassed whenever she insists on sharing it with others, of course. I HATE having the attention on me. But it really is a masterpiece so it's really not fair for me to stop the world from hearing it.

I don't know yet what the other 40 minutes will consist of. MOMMIES, ANY IDEAS OUT THERE?!?! I mean, obviously the best option will be to have my other children perform numbers together. Which reminds me, I'm going to have find a babysitter for Casper that day. I hate to leave him out of these things, but it's really for his own good. He just doesn't have the talent that my girls have. And he ruins EVERYTHING. Yes, next to June Snapple's children, he looks like a rocket scientist (as do monkeys), but my girls are an exceptional breed of children and I hate to see him get upstaged again.

Anywaysies, I'm off! TTYL Mommies!

A TURN OF EVENTS!!!!

Moms. I know. I know. I've been absent from your lives for like a couple of weeks.

WHAT THE CRAP DID YOU DO WITH YOURSELVES WHILE I WAS GONE?!?!?!?!

JK all the way. I know you all have your own lives and stuff and I know that most of you are able to function without hearing from me. But that doesn't stop me from feeling guilt over going a couple of weeks without telling you how to be better moms!!!

Things have been CRAZY around here. Fortify is about to reach the end of pageant season. And to tell you the truth, I am SO relieved! I need some ME time for a little while. The problem is, Fortify just THRIVES on these pageants and SHE insists on doing them, even though they take a toll on her mommy! I wouldn't be so quick to let her enter, IF SHE WASN'T SO INCREDIBLY TALENTED! It's just so frustrating to see children winning competitions that my babies AREN'T involved in. Because I'm all like, "you are NOT the best! You just competed against the trash of the town!"

I hate to be so critical of the children. Especially because I know that 70% of the problem is bad parenting. I see parents letting their kids drink pure sugar and I'm all like, "no WONDER the economy is crashing!" But you know me, I don't judge other moms for being so incompetent. I just help.

And I have a new opportunity to help the world now!!! Because mommies, GUESS THE HELL WHAT!?!?!?!

YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE NEW PTA PRESIDENT!!! (well, "co-president" or something).

Let me explain!

So, June Snapple somehow got elected again, which makes NO sense to anyone that is smarter than Grace Telly (which is absolutely everyone, including her dog who died drinking cleaning supplies last year at Grace's house. At least those cleaning supplies were put to SOME use, if you know what I mean).

Well, GREAT news. June's oldest was just diagnosed with a rare blood disease. I'm not surprised, of course, considering how much June neglects her children. Anyway, June started complaining that with her husband off fighting in some "war" she can't handle taking care of everything AND be PTA president by herself now.

Could you imagine if I complained like that every time I got bad news?!??!? Nobody heard me complaining about having to shirk my responsibilities when we had to get part of our roof repaired last year because a branch fell on it. NO WAY! I kept being the number one mom AND got someone to come fix it.

June Snapple gets the tinsiest bit of bad news and BAM, she can't handle life anymore.

Whatever.

It's good for the town. BECAUSE, drum roll ................. the bylaws of the PTA require that the person with the second most votes in the most recent election take over PTA president duties if the president has to step down.

And guess who got the second most votes!!! (well, probably June, because I still think she cheated. But whatever, they're saying it's me).

For some reason June isn't stepping down completely. So they've asked me to be a "co-president" with her. Whatever that means.

I don't think it's going to be easy working with June Snapple. Can you imagine having to plan activities for the community with someone who dresses like she works at a strip club?!?!?! (one that will take just about anyone, I might add).

But I need to do this for the community.

So PTA, HERE I COME!!!!

The poor neighborhoods won't know what hit them.

PTA Depression

The town mayor issued a letter, congratulating June Snapple on her big win. He said he's happy to have someone who is going to help him in his mission to combat poverty in our area. It was such a slap in the face. Like they took my campaign promises and attributed them to June.

I was the one who was going to fight poverty! I promised to do what I could to get the poor neighborhoods OUT of our school district. I was POUNCED on for saying things like that. But now, all of the sudden, June Snapple is "fighting poverty" and she's the big hero.

To tell you the truth, it's been a rough week or two.

June is still the PTA president.

I am still the most unappreciated mom in town.

And Grace Telly still shouldn't be allowed out of her house without a helmet.

Meanwhile, my children are the only talented kids in town. Certainly their very CARING, and LOVING, and KNOWLEDGEABLE mommy would have NOTHING to do with THAT! How I was not elected PTA president is still a mystery to me. Some days I bounce around from rage to despair, then back to rage, then despair, etc.

And through it all, Casper keeps asking me to come to his soccer games. Seriously Casper?! Soccer?! Does he not know what happened to me?! How can he possibly think that I would want to go to a soccer game right now? Not to mention, Casper hasn't even scored a goal this season. I just don't have it in me right now to go sit through one of his games, only to see him fail.

But that's what being a mom is. Sometimes you have to just deal with disappointment. Sometimes you have to find ways to politely tell your children that they need to do a better job to earn your attention. Sometimes you have to just keep trying, even when it would be so easy to give up.

And sometimes, the thing that keeps me going is knowing how much of an inspiration I am to all of you. No, I'm not the "official" PTA president. But I am your leader. I am your example. You need me to show you how to make so way cute crafts. You need my advice for how to deal with delinquent children, and for how to obtain the spotlight for those who need it. You need me to tell it like it is. To call out those who raise their children to be the spawn of Satan. And above all else, you need my example of how to be a mom who doesn't judge. A mom who just helps.

I'm still here. And will be. I will continue to be your shining light through the darkness. Because I know how much you all love and need me.

You're welcome.