Monday, June 3, 2013


Hey mommy bloggers! I can't even believe how totes busy I've been campaigning for PTA president! UGH! I feel like all I ever do in life is campaign and give my children all the attention that they need that most other parents don't give to their own children! I literally can't go anywhere without running into my constituents!


But you all know how so way important it is that I sacrifice and bring my talents to the school. June Snapple destroyed this town for so many years. All the time she wasted creating programs for the slower children while my gifted kids were TOTALLY neglected.

It's a good thing Fortify is such a self-starter or who knows how June Snapple could have destroyed her potential!

Now I feel like I'm engaged in a battle of good verses stupid in trying to keep Grace Telly from becoming the next PTA president. I seriously don't even think Grace Telly could SPELL "PTA!" I mean, she could EAT the PTA, but not spell it! HAHAHAHA!!! OMG MOMS!!! YOU GIRLS ARE SO TERRIBLE! THAT IS NOT FUNNY AT ALL!!

True, but not funny.

Moms, we have to do a better job at sticking together. Even if it means defending illiterate hogs like Grace Telly or self-righteous whores like June Snapple! WE DON'T JUDGE. WE JUST HELP! There are badly behaved neglected but otherwise unimpressive and innocent children to consider here! And we need to try to help those children because imagine if they have a bad influence on gifted kids like Fortify and Aloe and Opaque and Cider!?


Anywaysies. The whole reason I'm blogging today is to tell you that Fortify was voted "Most Likely to Succeed" in the end of the school year awards. AGAIN! (IMHO she should have been voted the "Only Likely to Succeed" but I think it's good to give the other children hope. Even the ones who got lice this year).

I SO didn't want to tell you about this because I hate how much attention we get all the time and we don't do all that we do for the awards. The awards just happen because of who we are. AND I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT YOU TO ATTRIBUTE THIS SUCCESS TO MY GOOD PARENTING! Let's please just let this be about Fortify and not about me. Ok, maybe it can be a little about me!!!! HAHAHA! ROFL!! JK OF COURSE!



  1. OMG GURLFREND!! I TOTES LUV UR BLOG!!! In all seriousness, I admire you for making up a blog just to mess with people's minds. Maybe. TTYL!

  2. (even the ones who got lice this year.)


  3. OMG! Last night...a mom blog saved my life. Totesally!
    First time visitor, forever smitten. Anywaysies (putting this in my pocket with my big Brownie smile), take heart, all your efforts have paid off. Little Fortify sounds like she has overcome the likes of that pontificating, walking sperm bank, June Snapple, and the udder one (whoops), Grace Belly . I would love for my little beastie to meet all of your wunderkind. It is much easier to parent my little Cacaphony since my little trip South of the border. The addition of lead paint to her diet has slowed down her cognitive processes enough to make the crate training successful. Keep shining, you crazy diamond!

    1. Hmm, lead paint. Why didn't I think of that?

  4. The best part of this "blog" is the labels. XD

  5. "but whenever my kids do something more impressive than yours, I blog about it. And that makes it worth it."


  6. Eli, Is your name El=lee or EEE-li? I thought it was El= Lee and that really confused me. I thought you were a girl. Then a boy. Then perhaps some transgender stuff going on. So right now I think I will leave it in neutral. Loved the Snuggie texts. I would like to use it with my clients to convince them not to break up relationships by texting.. Can I?

  7. This comment has been removed by the author.