Tuesday, August 20, 2013


Hey moms. Look, I know. I've been totes absent this summer. You have NO idea how BUSY I have been. First of all, Fortify and Aloe were in a swimming group this summer--actually, I should say they were LEADING a swimming group this summer--and I was so busy rushing around to all of their performances and award ceremonies that I just didn't have time to sit down and blog.

On top of that, my girls were in the parade circuit all summer, riding floats in different towns' festivities and wearing their tiaras. SO WAY CUTE! Unfortunately the parades allowed other children to be a part of the floats too, which obnoxiously detracted from Fortify's naturally inherited charisma.

The terrible news this summer (terrible for the whole town) is that I won't be the PTA president this year. It's such a so way long story what happened and I don't even want to get into because it's all politics and people being so way gross and stupid and I don't want to paint people like June Snapple in a bad light by harping on how she'll practically throw herself at any man in town until her "war hero" husband comes home and hogs all of the attention in the town for THREE FULL WEEKS while he's in the hospital. Suffice it to say there were so many people who were SO WAY JEALOUS of me and my kids and even though everyone knew I was the right mom for the job, I didn't like to see the town so divided so right after the election results were announced, I retroactively withdrew my candidacy. It was SUCH a big scandal in the town.

And the real tragedy is that Grace Telly-Tubby (HAHAHAHA!!! LOL!!! YOU MOMS ARE SO WICKED!) is now going to be the PTA president.

Just great. Now the schools can be filled with not only POOR PEOPLE but also illiterate hogs who are too busy getting unnecessary medical treatments to keep their kids from leaving toys in the front yard and making the neighborhood look like an animal shelter. And if Grace Telly complains that her "cancer" has come back again this year and is interfering with her PTA president duties, I'm going to drive down the street screaming "I told you so" through a loud speaker just like I did during the campaign season.

Fortunately none of this is interfering at all with our back to school shopping! I make sure to buy the most expensive and trendy clothes every year so my kids can be the hottest in the class. It's also important for other moms to see how much money we have and for them to notice how I obviously so way care about my kids because I spend money on them to help them look so way trendy EVERY YEAR.


  1. I enjoy how 'tube tops' is one of the tags... Those are just OH SO CUTEE! You go, Mommy! Teehee!

  2. Are you currently accepting applications for additional children? I am well versed in being very photogenic, excel at many creative arts, and am willing to take on a more trendy name.

  3. Just remember, Sales are for poor people! Happy shopping girlfriend ;) ;) :)

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  5. The way you tell stories is like a book of Mad Libs. But that is super awesome because even at 25 I still play Mad Libs. Tell Fortify that my daughter, Yazzzminn, says hey!

  6. Eli this was the joke from the snuggie texts? It is funny!!!!!